Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Not Knowing/Feeling Lost

I've always known what I wanted to do. Graduate high school. Move out of my parents' house.
Go to college. Get my own apartment without a boyfriend or roommates. Get married. Have kids.

But now I don't know what I want.

If I'd had kids, I'd be busy taking care of them. Making meals, helping with homework, driving them to sports practice or whatever it'd be that they'd be into. But we all know that I didn't have kids. And now, post-divorce, my life is all my own.

And I don't know what I want to do next.

I know I don't want to settle where I currently am, but I don't know where I want to go. I know I don't want to retire from my current position, but I don't know where I want to work next. I'm feeling frustrated with my perceived lack of earning power...

Ok, so I do know one thing: I would like to buy a house and settle somewhere. I just don't know if it's possible. Everything feels so unaffordable.

I'm in a weird mood and a weird place in my life, but I am not complaining. I have a job. I have a place to live. I may not hang out with friends nearly as much as I'd like, but I keep in touch with a handful of people that make me happy. I have a hobby I enjoy. Overall, I have meaning in my life.

I just currently feel at a loss not knowing what I want.

I think I'm feeling a bit hopeless. Current events are awful. Everything is affecting all of us.

But I also know I will get through this. I already survived losing my children and dreams of motherhood. For someone whose lifelong dream was to be a mom, it can't get worse than that.

I'm just ready for this current mood to pass.

8 comments:

  1. It seems easy to think that we just have to know what we want, doesn't it? But it's not that easy to figure it out. I'm not sure I'm ever going to figure it out AND be able to achieve it at the same time, but sometimes the figuring out part is the point, and the adventure of life. Still, that inevitably makes us feel in limbo, and so it's not surprising you're feeling a bit adrift right now. Sending hugs.

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    1. Thank you Mali. It's so nice to have a space where I feel understood. I worked so hard to be where I am. Maybe I can enjoy where I am for the moment, without worrying about what I want to work for next. I want to try to do that. I don't want to succumb to the go-go-go mentality of modern society. I think I need to dig deep and reclaim my rebellious roots in order to stop worrying about what's next. Thank you. <3

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  2. This might be a silly idea but you could create a vision board (or one without the visual aids) of what things are important to you to help you figure out your next move. Like ideally you would want to live somewhere near the sea/in the city etc and gradually you might be able to come up with a more definite idea that you could aim towards

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    1. Thank you Dubliner. I like this idea! :) It especially makes sense since there were certain things I wanted in my life that led to where I am now. I should take some time and just be thoughtful about what I want next. Thank you. <3

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  3. Dear Phoenix, I think I know how you feel like. For a long time, I have been unsatisfied with my job but didn't know what I wanted to do instead. I had a lot of interests and hobbies, but nothing I could make a living out of...
    It took me several months to deeply think about it. I sent a questionnaire to some friends and members of my family so that they could help me to identify in which fields I was good, and I spent hours working on this input (it is always useful to get feedback from outside: my friends and family saw things I wasn't even aware of). I investigated many possibilities (also crazy ones :) and talked to several persons to ask them about their job to assess if I could be interested in doing similar things.
    It was hard work and difficult to combine this time of reflection with working full-time! But I finally know what I want to do... I wish you good luck and hope it will work out for you too!

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    1. Thank you Lea. That is very interesting you asked your friends and family for insight. What a good idea.

      Maybe that is part of my frustration--that I *do* know what I want to do but I am not doing it. I thought long and hard before going back to school in 2015 (for prerequisite courses) and 2016 (for graduate school), and THAT is what I want to be doing with my time. But I have good news!! I am in the process of getting a second job. It will be part-time, so I will keep teaching through the rest of this school year at least, but the 2nd job will be for what I just went back to school for. And it may lead to more part-time opportunities or even a full-time position in the field where I want to work.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences, Lea. Hearing from others who understand my life without children is so, so invaluably helpful!!

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  4. Interesting post, and some great advice (& self-reflection from you!) in the comments. I think it's natural that you're feeling a bit out of sorts right now. But I also think you're right to just sit where you are for a while & think about what you want to do next. I know you don't want to drift endlessly, but I don't think you should feel compelled to rush into anything either, just for the sake of moving along. Hope that makes sense! (((hugs)))

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    1. That definitely makes sense to me, Loribeth. Thank you! You are right: I don't want to drift endlessly. But we all know certainty is just an illusion anyway. :) I will just sit for a while (and go to work lol and quilt too!).

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