I've always known what I wanted to do. Graduate high school. Move out of my parents' house.
Go to college. Get my own apartment without a boyfriend or roommates. Get married. Have kids.
But now I don't know what I want.
If I'd had kids, I'd be busy taking care of them. Making meals, helping with homework, driving them to sports practice or whatever it'd be that they'd be into. But we all know that I didn't have kids. And now, post-divorce, my life is all my own.
And I don't know what I want to do next.
I know I don't want to settle where I currently am, but I don't know where I want to go. I know I don't want to retire from my current position, but I don't know where I want to work next. I'm feeling frustrated with my perceived lack of earning power...
Ok, so I do know one thing: I would like to buy a house and settle somewhere. I just don't know if it's possible. Everything feels so unaffordable.
I'm in a weird mood and a weird place in my life, but I am not complaining. I have a job. I have a place to live. I may not hang out with friends nearly as much as I'd like, but I keep in touch with a handful of people that make me happy. I have a hobby I enjoy. Overall, I have meaning in my life.
I just currently feel at a loss not knowing what I want.
I think I'm feeling a bit hopeless. Current events are awful. Everything is affecting all of us.
But I also know I will get through this. I already survived losing my children and dreams of motherhood. For someone whose lifelong dream was to be a mom, it can't get worse than that.
I'm just ready for this current mood to pass.