Dealing With My Body

I write this as I recover on the couch, still feeling a little foggy from the anti-anxiety medication my doctor prescribed me for my appointment/procedure today. (Yes, I had a ride home. I definitely wasn't allowed to drive after that pill lol.)

This time went better than the last couple of times. I keep getting bad test results so the doctor keeps wanting to try and get more information, but to say that my body doesn't cooperate during the procedure is nothing new to me. This time wasn't as painful, but the doctor was honest and told me she might not have obtained the sample she wanted.

Invasive exams make me emotional. It is not in my control. I saw the same doctor for my whole womanhood until I moved out of state, and she knew me and watched me grow up and was with me through everything. This doctor is new to me. But today as I unnecessarily apologized for my tears and stated how embarrassed I was she said, "It's okay. I know you now. You have nothing to apologize for or be embarrassed about."

(I think my strong emotions took her by surprise the first time I saw her. But hey, I know I'm a very sensitive, emotional patient. It's what makes me good at my job at the hospital. I can really empathize with my patients. In fact, I told my doctor that I got a job in acute care and that I could really relate to my patients and she said she could see me being really good at my job. Thanks for the validation, doctor! Always very much appreciated.)

Anyway.

So how long do I want to keep going on like this? Going in for biopsies every six months?
It's not exactly convenient or cheap or easy on me.

Maybe I'll get some good information from today's procedure. Even if I don't, I will move forward with making a decision on whether or not to have surgery this summer. Whatever I do, I know I will make a thoughtful, informed decision and that's what gives me comfort.