This week marks five years. Five years since my last treatment didn't result in pregnancy.
Five years since I decided to stop trying to become a mom and start changing my life.
5 years, 4 addresses, 3 jobs, 2 (and a half) years of graduate school, and 1 divorce later...
I am happy.
Or at least I was. Until a couple of weeks ago.
Now I feel anxious and uncertain.
Which brings me back to five years ago...
So many unwelcome feelings of today take me back to the darkest years of my life.
*****
I am a survivor.
I survived infertility.
I survived all of its trauma and devastation.
This is an important anniversary for me and it is all my own. I do not share it with anyone. Nobody even knows about it. Nobody I know is aware of this pivotal date in my life and nobody I know can relate to my loss. Except you all. You all know my grief and my strength. Thank you.
I've written about my survivor anniversary every year I've had this blog:
My 2nd Survivor Anniversary
My 3rd Survivor Anniversary
My 4th Survivor Anniversary
*****
In terms of today and this point in time, I am at a loss for words right now.
As we all know, sometimes there are no words.
Although this post is shorter than in previous years, the message is still the same:
We Are Survivors.
Sometimes there are no words. Just safe, virtual hugs, which I'm sending to you now.
ReplyDeleteContinue being a survivor. Five years isn't actually that long, though it probably also feels like an age ago. You are a survivor. And you're surviving wonderfully. More hugs.
Thank you Mali!! Sending some virtual hugs back your way <3 <3 <3
DeleteHappy anniversary, even though it feels like everything in the world is crumbling. You're so right, the uncertainty of this time had uncomfortable echoes of infertility trauma. I'm glad you are surviving and thriving in your new life, and I hope you continue to do both those things in the face of this new threat. 💜💜💜
ReplyDeleteThanks Jess. <3 There's too many familiar feelings. It's like what was happening back then on the inside for me is now happening for everyone on a global level. And I wouldn't wish financial and health-related anxiety combined with social isolation on anyone!
DeleteIt helps to remember how courageous we've already been, how resilient we've become, and how adaptable we can be.
Your last line there, absolutely. I need to remember that when the crushing uncertainty brings me back to other times of crushing uncertainty. :( We will get through this!
DeleteWe will. <3
Deletecongratulations on 5th anniversary!
ReplyDeletesending you a big virtual hug from sLOVEnia
Klara
Thank you Klara! So wonderful to read a comment from you <3
DeleteSending some belated Survivor-versary wishes. :) People have NO idea of all these little personal milestones that we keep track of inside our memories and our hearts...
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you for feeling a bit anxious & uncertain again, given everything that's going on in the world right now. (((HUGS))) Hang in there, stay safe & stay well!
Dear Phoenix, congratulations!
ReplyDeleteWow, five years already... that's a milestone indeed.
Thank you for the reminder, too :-). Due to the current situation I had completely forgotten about my own anniversary. May the next five years be a lot happier than the last ♡.
Sunny greetings from Switzerland