Sunday, September 13, 2020

Feeling Gaslit Again

Hello and Happy New Week. How are you? How are you really

Don't judge; just notice. Then reflect.

How are you taking care of yourself? How are you being productive? How are you having fun? 

(Yes! Getting out of bed, taking a shower, feeding yourself, and watching tv all definitely counts at this moment in time. You don't have to accomplish anything major. We cannot save the world right now, but we can somewhat save ourselves.)


Please let me draw another parallel between my experience with infertility and this pandemic:

I feel like I'm going crazy.

With infertility, it felt like a constant barrage of judgment from others. What are you sad about? You have all this free time! Think of all the money you will save. You can travel! Kids are a lot of work; you don't really have a clue what you're asking for (despite the fact that I had spent almost 10 years in the classroom working with everyone else's kids all at the same time, not on an individual basis like parents get to do). So many people refused to tolerate or even allow space for my sadness; it felt like no one was acknowledging my loss. I was being gaslit by friends, family, and society as a whole. 

And now we are all enduring a pandemic. And society is gaslighting me again. If it weren't for my boyfriend and fellow bloggers, I would think I was the only person taking the pandemic seriously. 

I am currently going to work because my school district is providing classes and services on campus for students who choose in-person school. That alone freaks me out. And I will be honest, I am one of the few that consistently wears a mask all day. Everyone else takes them off as much as they can. (District policy is you can remove your mask if you're more than 6 feet away from students. This lets teachers lecture at the front of the room so students can clearly see their mouth and facial expressions.) I'm starting a new job in a new town and I am the Weird Mask Girl. It's not that I think I will get it here. It really is a small town in a remote area. It's that there's a GLOBAL PANDEMIC going on and the virus doesn't care about anything. The virus just spreads. I don't want to get comfortable because, quite frankly, it's just not safe yet. But I definitely feel some hater vibes from a couple of co-workers and random strangers around town when I venture into the grocery store (I've been twice at 5:30 in the morning) or the convenience store (more expensive, but more convenient so I've been going once or twice a week).

Then I call my mom for our weekly chat. (It's a new thing and it is working out well. For those of you that don't know, my relationship with my mom is challenging but I want her in my life.) And I learn that my aunt is there visiting. Even my family is living like there aren't more than 6 million infected Americans! My oldest sister went and visited my mom two weeks ago. Her visit marked the FOURTH state she had been in in the past month. And two of those states have high positivity rates. I mean, she voluntarily got on a plane for a vacation ffs!! And then I call my mom and learn her sister/my aunt is now there visiting. Way to contain the potential spread, everyone...

What the hell is going on? Why is my own family disregarding basic precautions? Why do they think I am the unreasonable one for going to the grocery store at the crack of dawn and for refusing to go eat at a restaurant? For my family, this is typical though. I'm the cRaZy one, the overly cautious one, the one that's "too sensitive." But damn, in the middle of a pandemic??

I feel like, yet again, my family and society are gaslighting me. I feel like the world around me is trying to operate like it is pre-March 2020 and it dumbfounds me. It blows my mind. People really, really don't get it. And then I remember enduring infertility with very, very little support.

I guess people just can't stand to be uncomfortable.


I didn't know the skills I learned while figuring out how to cope with infertility would serve me so well during this extremely stressful time in our world. It's hard to say I'm thankful for infertility because it took from me what I desperately wanted: parenting and motherhood, but now that I am many years removed from the direct experience and I have worked incredibly hard on grieving and creating a life I want to live, I can appreciate who I am and what my life is post-infertility. 


As for me, I am doing... Okay. Pretty well probably. I require a lot of sleep these days so I go to bed early. But I am trying my hardest to learn my new job and do a good job while I'm at work all day. Then I come home, eat, and rest. On the weekends I sew. I am so grateful I found something that puts me in the flow where I can forget about the world for a bit. And then when I'm done, I have a comfy quilt to use while reading everyone's blogs. :)

Enjoy your week everyone! 💚💙💜

Take care of yourself, ignore the gaslighting, and do something you enjoy no matter how small.

    I finished my fifth quilt! 

I used: 
      • 10" squares, Lucky Day by MoMo for Moda Fabrics
      • 10" squares, White Paper Grunge by BasicGrey also for Moda
      • Miss Rosie's Quilt Co. Cake Mix Recipe #6 piecing paper
      • Quilters Dream Orient quilt batting. 

The precut fabric and piecing paper make it so easy! 

You put a piece of paper on top of two fabric squares and literally sew on the dotted line and cut on the solid line. You end up with great looking quilt blocks! For quilting, I did basic stitch-in-the-ditch around the blocks and tried decorative stitches on the borders for the first time. 

I just learned how to quilt last year so if it's something you are curious about, you can totally do it! It's not a hobby that requires perfection. Well, not the way I do it. I'm a sloppy quilter and will be for years because I am learning. ;) But quilting can be very relaxing.


  1. Your quilt looks great! I'm glad you have something to take your mind off ... well ... the world. We all need that. (I've been knitting tea cosies lately.)

    And just know that there are whole cities and probably states and even nations outside of your family and town who agree with you on the risks of this pandemic. It's all very well until someone they know gets it. They might be trying to gaslight you, but you can see through them. And I'm pleased you are taking care of yourself by not taking risks. As I heard someone say today, "COVID isn't there until it is, and then it is too late."

    1. Thanks Mali! I had to throw in the quilt pictures just to lighten the post. There's so much negativity right now and I hate to add to it. But I am also very frustrated at everyone around me. I will continue to protect myself and those around me. Thank you for your validation. <3

  2. I share your frustration! Talked to my mother (who will be 80 soon) last night and she's still going grocery shopping without a mask, even though the case rates there have skyrocketed recently. Here in Ontario, our new daily case rates shot up past 300+ today... and school is still just beginning! I think when you've been on the wrong side of statistics in the past (as you & I have with infertility, pregnancy loss, etc.), it's hard to shrug off the idea that bad things are going to happen if we're not vigilant... at least, that's how I feel. Hang in there!

    On a brighter note -- I love your quilts! I have a couple of friends who do quilting. One of them is actually a certified quilt appraiser, although I believe she may have let her certification lapse now. I went to a quilt show a few years ago where she was doing on-the-spot appraisals, and got to look at a 150+-year-old heirloom quilt with her. Amazing!

    1. Oh wow, a 150+-year-old heirloom quilt. How awesome! I hope to go to a quilt show someday. I got into quilting just in time for all of our staying at home time, but I've yet to go to a quilt show because of all of our staying at home time.

      So frustrating! I just got a text from a friend who is excited to be planning an out-of-state vacation for this fall. I just don't get it. At all.

  3. I love your new quilt!

    I get your frustration. Also in our parts of the world many don't take the pandemic serious. But luckily there is - in most of European countries - obligatory mask in ALL public inside spaces. We are litereally not allowed to enter a shop if you are not wearing a mask.

    1. Thank you! It's weird that not everyone is taking things seriously. I'm glad most European countries require masks in all public indoor spaces. We really are all in this together.

  4. Your quilt is stunning!

    I truly don't understand why so many people are behaving as they are. A local reverend just informed his congregation that COVID isn't real. I can't even chalk that up to gaslighting, but rather a complete unwillingness to consider reality. People seem to downplay risks when doing so suits their aims. Keep on standing your ground and managing your own risk, and the heck with any of your co-workers who give you the side eye. You're not the side eye worthy one!

    1. Thank you! I was instantly hooked on quilting. There is so much gorgeous fabric in this world! :)

      How infuriating!! I don't get it.

      Big sigh... I'll just keep wearing my mask when I'm not at home sewing.

  5. Your quilt is GORGEOUS! and so cozy looking. Oh yes. I am considered overcautious and even ridiculous for not going to eat in restaurants, for refusing to go inside other people's houses or have people in mine, for not going on any road trip that requires using a public restroom. I'm in school as well and wearing scrubs, although "un-scrubby" scrubs, and people are giving me a hard time and saying "you'll make the kids think we're in a war zone or something." WHATEVER, not one kid has said boo and it makes me feel safer. Marginally.
    I'm sorry you're being gaslit, that we all being gaslit right now. And I'm sorry about the visitors at your mom's--we are struggling similarly with our parents, most of whom are entertaining and doing things that seem like unnecessary risks, and saying things like "will we ever see you for dinner again?" Nope. Not until there's a vaccine.

    It's so frustrating! But you're right, we can only control ourselves and our reactions and take care of our own needs. Others can take a flying leap. I'd say you do you, but it's frustrating how many people don't seem to care about others' health and safety. (I'm lucky, my school district adopted a strict masking policy, 6 ft AND masks inside, mask breaks of no more than 3 minutes outside the room or building only.)

    1. Thanks Jess! And I LOVE wearing scrub pants to work. I'll never wear anything else; they're so comfy and easy to launder.

      I'm with you. No dinners like I'm used to for awhile, which is sad because food is so loving, nourishing, and communal. I miss so many things. :(