March 2015: final IVF did not result in pregnancy
March 2016: packed, moved, and put my children's house on the market
March 2017: was in grad school (very stressful)
March 2018: still in school, packing for an out-of-state move
March 2019: divorce would be final in a month
March 2020: pandemic started
March 2021: unemployed, unvaccinated, and uncertain
So maybe the fact is that March 2022 was the safest March for me to fall apart.
I'm not trying to achieve anything or get anywhere.
I'm home. I'm safe. I'm loved.
I can feel the worst of my worst feelings and survive.
Trauma... Its effects are definitely lifelong.
I don't think I will ever get over infertility. I think I'm moving through it though. I have felt very stuck this month. Lots of pain and lots of tears. I can't even put it into words. Very tired. Foggy. Sad.
But maybe pausing and being in the awfulness isn't necessarily being stuck.
Maybe it's also part of the process.
When my boyfriend found me crying in the living room this morning, he first suggested I eat something. Then he tried to crack a joke. (It did make me smile.) Then he suggested a shower. I decided to take a shower. It really was helpful. At least I felt better physically. I ate some food, did some laundry, and started sewing a new quilt top from fabric I'd previously cut into strips.
And the world turns another day... 💖
"Self-care helps stop the spiral of destructive emotions."
Image and quote by Dominee, creator of Self-Love Rainbow
Click here to read her excellent article about what is self-care and how to do it.
I've read a lot of articles on the topic and this one might just be the best.
I hope you are doing better today. Sending hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. <3 I woke up feeling better today than I have in a week. This month has felt so hard.
Delete"... maybe the fact is that March 2022 was the safest March for me to fall apart." That is a great observation. I admire the way you're able to step back and analyse your feelings, even when you are in the midst of all the feeling. This is a skill that will help you for the rest of your life. I'm sorry you've had to develop it, but glad that you have. A lot of people can never do this. (And yes, the therapeutic benefits of a bath or a shower cannot be denied.)
ReplyDeleteHugs from NZ!
I think I learned that skill at a yoga studio I went to for awhile, where the teacher encouraged us to cultivate "the observer" and "the experiencer" within ourselves.
DeleteShowers/baths are the best! So restorative.
Thank you for you the hugs. :)
my dear friend,
ReplyDeleteI know, I also think I will never get over my childlessness. But it does get easier as the years are passing by. I promise.
A tip for today. Do put your walking shoes on and go for a walk in the nature.It helps 100 %.
sending you a warm hug from snowy sLOVEnia.
Klara
Thank you for suggesting a walk. That's an affordable and helpful idea. I've actually gone for a walk three days in a row. Not exercise length or intensity, just nice walks throughout the neighborhood. The sun has been out and it hasn't been freezing cold. It's been really nice and crisp. It does help. I guess spring comes right when it needs to. Hugs my friend <3
Delete(((Hugs!))) No wonder you have a hard time with March! I hope April is so much better!
ReplyDeleteI love the self-care graphic!