It's the pandemic, not me.
It's society's cognitive dissonance, not me.
It's trauma (infertility) after trauma (divorce) after trauma (again, the pandemic), not me.
I REFUSE to take personal responsibility for the state of the world, but I do have to deal with it. And I have to do this among the rest of the population which has arbitrarily determined the pandemic to be over. I have to navigate my life and find my own way. Just like with infertility.
Do the similarities between my experience with the pandemic and being CNBC ever end?
Infertility: I don't have children like the rest of my friends and family. Because of this, my life is structured entirely differently. I don't often feel supported because, generally speaking, people always seem to want you to do exactly what they are doing.
Pandemic: My mother is mad that I'm not currently traveling. She thinks I'm living in fear. (She told me so.) One of my sisters thinks I'm glad to miss events. (She also told me so.) My family no longer takes precautions and they will not alter their social behavior so that I feel more comfortable visiting. There is no give and take, only judgment.
Man, did childlessness prepare me for this or what.
I already know what it's like to live a life others don't try to understand. I already know what it's like to be judged for my choices and lifestyle. I already know what it's like to be the only person living the way I do.
I'm doing okay... But, dammit, I am tired.
That's a great pic! (I know it's not you! But maybe it will be all of us in about 30 years or so! lol)
ReplyDeleteThese two sentences made me sad:
"There is no give and take, only judgment.
Man, did childlessness prepare me for this or what."
Yep. Just because we understand what it is to feel isolated, and to be ignored or judged rather than supported, doesn't make it any easier. In fact, it makes it so much harder, because you're already in a place of hurt - a place where everyday life requires you to fight against the insensitivities or misunderstandings of others. No wonder you're tired! Take care of yourself. Sending hugs.
Yes, I am completely fine if the pic above is my future! She looks content.
DeleteThank you Mali. I hate writing how tired I am over and over, but... I am. I am so, so tired. My last couple of job experiences didn't help either. I just feel so beat down.
I'm so thankful for our blogging community where I feel understood and less alone. <3 <3 <3
Ugh. I'm sorry there's no give and take, just take take take. I don't understand the feeling that we're post-pandemic. My area has a spike now but no one is adjusting their behavior. Arrrggghhh. It's tiring though. Sending you love and peace. Living that different life is exhausting. 💜
ReplyDeleteIt's weird. I'm not criticizing them. I listen to their stories about the vacations they're taking and the events they're attending. I don't know why they are criticizing me.
DeleteIt's extremely tiring on many different levels. Thanks for the love and peace. I will take all I can get. <3
Dear Phonix,
ReplyDeleteI am still extra careful regarding the covid.
My mum comments that I am panicking.
(a note: I am not. I am just careful!)
Thank you Klara. I remind myself that I am not hurting anyone by being careful. <3
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