Oh gawd WHEN will this end? How will this end??
HOW do I get through this? What is left for me in this life?!?
Those are the questions I asked myself after enduring two years of trying to conceive.
These are the questions I ask myself now during the pandemic.
So I am doing now what I did then: digging deep and not giving up on life.
Back then I relied on my (then) husband. We went to Vegas and concerts and sports events. I read infertility books and blogs to not feel so alone and misunderstood. I went out every Friday night and had fun, making jokes about not needing a babysitter. Did it relieve the pain of childlessness? Absolutely not. But it was better than sitting in my recliner while perseverating on what I could not change.
And now? I am relying on my boyfriend who is also my best friend. We cook together and go for walks around the neighborhood. I read books (mostly non-fiction but some fiction too for a good, healthy escape) and infertility blogs. I order pizza every couple of weeks and watch movies from the 80s and 90s. Mostly, I quilt. I take scraps and turn them into beautiful things. Slowly. One stitch at a time.
I don't know when this will end. I don't know how. I don't know what life will look like after.
I am getting through the pandemic one day at a time. On the harder days, it is one hour at a time.
I mourn. I mourn my old life. I mourn the life I thought I'd have at this point.
I count my blessings. I get annoyed at looking at the bright side of things, but it's important to do.
Everything is temporary. Nothing stays the same. This fact comforts me in my darkest moments.
Of course, my childlessness isn't temporary, but how I feel about it has changed. I've moved from desperate despondency to basic functioning to, unbelievably, pursuing new interests.
So... Something will change. The pandemic will end or we will adapt to its being endemic. I don't want to think about the latter because it's too overwhelming for me right now, but I know it's true.
Hold on for now. Seek more support if you need it. We will get through this.
We've already survived so much.
<3
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ReplyDeleteLike infertility, one of the hardest things about the last few years is not knowing when things will resolve. Both in terms of the timing as well as what the end point even looks like.
Like you, I'm trying not to think about the endemic option.
Sending hugs. It is this: "I mourn the life I thought I'd have at this point." Yes, exactly. I feel as if we're treading water right now. Waiting for whatever will come next. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteSending you love! I agree that the worst is the uncertainty. And the constant shifting of expectations. I love what you say about the evolution of both childlessness and the pandemic, that eventually they both settle in. I'm frustrated because my area is a high transmission zone again. It feels like we just can't get off the rollercoaster.
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