A couple of weeks ago, I held a baby. It was on accident. But it still happened.
It began with me playing with a baby. After our last trip moving out of the storage unit, my boyfriend and I stopped by his parents' house to visit while they were babysitting his sister's youngest. I thought, oh hell, why not... Then I jumped in and started playing.
I love to play. I never forgot how. I can play with all ages, levels, and abilities. Well, until they start playing video games... That's my exit point. I hate video games.
But back to playing with this 15 month old... He was fun. He was cute. He was easy. We played with Hot Wheels and some Legos and a jack-in-the-box toy with Curious George.
My boyfriend's dad walked by and, not knowing that I do NOT hold babies, picked the kid up and placed him in my lap.
And that's how I ended up holding a baby for the first time in over 8 years.
It was okay. I don't necessarily recommend it. I probably won't do it again. Not voluntarily anyway.
It's not that I don't like to hold babies. It's just that my arms feel so empty afterward.
I know my own kids would be grown by now and I wouldn't be holding them. But I would have all those memories and lots of pictures to comfort me. Plus, I'd be their mom. They would still come crying to me with their problems and I could hold them then, no matter their age. (Well, they probably would... We all know that nothing is guaranteed.)
I held a baby. I didn't hate it. I didn't cry afterward. It would have been fine if I had, but I didn't.
Just another small miracle in this CNBC life that I'm living...
I love these little miracles of yours! Congrats. I found the whole holding-the-baby thing was much easier when I realised that the baby I was holding was not the one I wanted (eg was not mine). I could distance myself from it.
ReplyDeletePS. I do HATE it when people assume that because we are women, we want to hold babies, and then don't give us any choice. Arrrrgh! I hated it when i was young, and I hate it now, for very different reasons. No-one does that to my husband. Grrr. (Sorry about the little angry postscript. lol)
No problem, Mali! All feelings are always welcome here. <3
DeleteI like your thought, that the baby you're holding isn't the baby you wanted. Isn't that the truth??
My boyfriend's sister knows I tried IVF, his mom knows I wanted kids, but I'm not sure any of that information has trickled down to my boyfriend's dad... He's really nice. I like him a lot. So I didn't even get annoyed when he did that because he honestly just doesn't know. He probably thought it was cute that I was playing so intently with the baby.
But you're right. We experience a lot of things as women that men never do... Just a couple of years ago I probably would have burst into tears... And that would have been okay too. My feelings are valid.
But with time and grieving, things change. Big things can become small things and devastating things can become benign annoyances. I'm thankful to be where I am with my healing. It's easier to function in my day-to-day life.
The 'plonking of a baby into my arms’ is one of my pet hates. It’s almost like an invasion of my space - and it’s always done innocently, other people have no clue about my history half the time anyway and even if they did, they wouldn’t understand the packages of pain that comes from loss/infertility/involuntary childlessness.
ReplyDeleteThe last time someone did this to me I was blindsided, it was totally unexpected and also at an adult only party I had organised in my home, so what on earth was anyone doing bringing a baby to this? Had they forewarned me, I could have made sure the spare bedroom was a safe space to put the baby.
There’s also the assumption everyone wants to hold a baby too, usually women - as Mali says, you never see this happening to men!
Glad you recognise where you are with your healing and that this episode of ‘baby plonking’ didn’t trigger you.
Yes, the assumption that every woman wants to hold a baby is pretty damn annoying. Now that I think about it, the same thing happened with my boyfriend's sister's oldest kid (except it was her husband, not her dad, that put the baby in my lap). My boyfriend's sister must have seen a look on my face or sensed something because she immediately swept in and grabbed the baby while quickly saying, "Sorry!" That was a relief because it was not okay that time. I kind of froze in the moment. I did NOT want a baby in my lap.
DeleteMy social life wasn't exactly robust before the pandemic. A divorced, childless woman moving from town to town in a new state isn't exactly conducive to meeting new people. But I doubt I'll run into many babies any time soon, especially now that I don't work in pediatrics. I'm probably safe for awhile.
P.S. Who brings a baby to an adult-only party?? That's thoughtless at best...
Congratulations! But also, argh. That seems like a bit of a violation (even if they didn't know), to just drop a baby in a person's lap. I'm glad you survived it, even if it wasn't your favorite moment. Another miracle! But annoying that you had to experience it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's annoying. It's annoying to assume every woman wants to hold a baby. Gotta love pronatalism! (Insert eye roll.)
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