Sunday, September 18, 2022

My Week through My Infertile Lens

First of all, did you check out World Childless Week?
I found the letters to my younger self to be particularly powerful. 

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Ok, now for my first thought from this past week...

Back in July, I signed up to do something in September. At the time, I did not know what my work or school schedule was going to look like, but I made a commitment to do this activity anyway.

As the date approached, I was still looking forward to it. (No commitment remorse, haha!)  And then the day came. I gathered my nerves and went. I tried something new, and I had fun.

It was a quilt workshop. I went to one last year, so the experience wasn't entirely new. But I didn't know who was going or what it was going to be like. I read the flyer about the teacher, the techniques, and the custom pattern she was going to teach us and wanted to go. So I signed up and went. Even better, the other women in the class were not only nice, but warm and friendly. I had a great time.

I was curious if anyone else didn't have kids like me. 

Well, I knew the teacher had kids. She mentioned them once during her presentation at the quilt group meeting earlier in the week. And I knew another woman had a son because I had visited with her before. I did not know about the others.

I just waited. I figured I'd figure it out.

Pretty quickly, two other women mentioned grandchildren. I mean, we were at a quilt workshop. It's a group of women talking about quilts they've made and for whom. Kids and grandkids are inevitable topics. It's completely appropriate. I'm not complaining. 

I was just curious. So, I continued to listen and notice...

A fifth woman mentioned grandchildren in passing. She was talking about using cowboy fabric to make a quilt for her grandson.

And then there was one. There was one other woman who had not mentioned children or grandchildren throughout our day-long workshop. But then, toward the end of class, she got a phone call from a grandkid inviting her over later that day.

Ah, well. Maybe next time! ;)

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My second thought is personal. It's relieving news. My plumbing is fixed!
It took all week. The whole thing is almost done. Fingers crossed they finish tomorrow.

I found the whole ordeal to be extremely stressful. I was anxious all day every day last week. I'm still trying to settle my nerves. My anxiety just shoots so high, so quick. And I truly think it has to do with years of infertility followed by failed treatments. It's like something was triggered in me back then, and now it doesn't take much to make me anxious. 

It's honestly difficult. I don't understand it, so I don't expect others to understand it. My boyfriend was a great support, as was his family. I texted his mom and one of his sisters and they validated my stress. My family was glad for me that the problem was getting fixed but didn't seem to get how stressful the whole thing was for me.

It's got me thinking about the long-term effects of infertility and failed treatments. For me, the experiences were traumatic. I think it made my anxiety much worse.

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Then, for my third reflection, my boyfriend and I went to a family-friendly outdoor event today. There were adults, kids, babies, teens, old people, and basically everyone. 

I remember attending last year. It was one of the first things we did during the pandemic. We felt safe because it was outside and we were both vaccinated. But still, it was the first time we had been out and about in a very long time. 

I remember being fascinated with all of the families with their various numbers and ages of kids. I just liked casually observing all the kids and people watching. It was just so nice to be out of the house and doing something fun.

So I was excited to go again this year. And it was cool! I loved it. We're gonna get there earlier next year so we can see more stuff.

But I noticed a shift in what caught my attention this time. I paid more attention to the different styles of walkers and wheelchairs than I did any of the families. I noticed the kids but nobody was particularly interesting. I was more into the outdoor show and enjoying time with my boyfriend than anything else.

I did not feel deep in childless grief last year. But I can tell a huge difference anyway from then to now. It's incredible how this CNBC experience continues to evolve. 

I had no idea what all was possible.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so glad your plumbing is fixed! And that your perspective/awareness at family events has evolved. Sigh to no childless quilters other than you... They're out there somewhere! Glad you did something to fill your bucket.

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    1. Thank you! I'm glad I signed up and went. It's good to do things. Also, now I'm enjoying trying this new pattern. We'll see how it turns out. It requires precision, which isn't really my thing, but I'm trying. I hope the pieces line up at the end!

      And, yes, so thankful for plumbing!!

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  2. I can really relate to the anxiety. For me, it’s because anything like this that happens is something that is totally out of my control, not dissimilar to infertility and all the things that encompasses and not being able to actually ‘do’ anything about it to make the situation ‘better’; and I have this real need to be in control of stuff which isn’t necessarily healthy. So then I have to be mindful that when I get really anxious it’s dredged up from past experiences when I have felt really out of control and not in charge of my destiny any more, if this makes sense?

    And I am so glad to hear the other nice pursuits you engaged in left you feeling so much better for being out there and doing stuff. We don’t do quilting here, I always admire how beautiful they look though. Currently wanting to learn to crochet but numb hands from treatment stuff, hoping it subsides a little as I will have to learn via YouTube 😉 can’t mix with groups at the moment because of the nasty little germs that may be prevalent haha x

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    1. Yes! It taps into the loss of control. And when the foundation of your home is literally shaking... The metaphors are hard to ignore. Just when I think I might "settle," my nerves get all stirred up again. It's so annoying. But I get it. We are all seeking basic safety and security. Or at least I am. It's been a theme for awhile.

      Crochet is so cool! Isn't that how some people make cute little stuffed animals? I love cute little stuffed animals, haha. I wonder if built-up handles on crochet needles would help while your hands are numb. I wonder what kind of foam tubing is available or if there are thicker crochet needles that are easier to hold. Let me know if you're interested in learning more. I'm happy to explore this!

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  3. Sigh about the quilting workshop. Though at least it sounds as if the conversation wasn't dominated by talk of grandchildren?
    Yay to fixed plumbing. (We got a new hot water tank last week, so I know the relief.) And double yay to evolution! This is such a valuable blog, where you have documented your progress so honestly, without even realising that there would be so much progress, perhaps. Valuable I hope for you and your studies and your future. And undoubtedly valuable for people coming after you, getting hope for their own evolution, that seems so impossible at the outset.

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    1. Thankfully, talk of kids and grandkids did not dominate the conversation. Quilting dominated the conversation haha. Offspring were just peripheral.

      Thank you Mali!! Your comment is so kind. You are exactly right: I had no idea that there would be so much progress. I'm glad I started blogging when I did. I could not recapture how I was feeling in those early years. So raw and devastated and absolutely no motivation to go on. And now I'm... Happy? Still incredibly stressed out... But I'm not depressed. Definitely not depressed. Just anxious, ha!

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