"Why did I even have kids?"
That was another thing that my mom said to me during our phone conversation last week. It really bothered me. After we hung up, I cried. The whole conversation was tough. The whole thing was just so careless and insensitive. I called her the next day to confront her about the question above and she brushed it off as something she just said off-handedly, that she didn't mean anything by it. Okay...
But in the moment? In the moment my honest-to-goodness first thought was, "Well, that's a question only you can answer." It was my Observer speaking.
I learned about cultivating the Observer and the Experiencer at my old yoga studio in my old town. I learned so many good things there. I got so many tools for life from that place. It will always hold a special place in my heart.
I'm not sure I will explain it well, but it's just like it sounds. The Experiencer is the part of you that is experiencing a situation complete with your thoughts and your feelings and all. The Observer is the part of you that is removed from the situation and can see it without everything that comes with experiencing it. I guess, if I were to guess, the Observer is more objective while the Experiencer is more subjective.
Why did my mom have kids? I don't know... I can guess, but I really don't know. Probably because it was expected of her and she was fertile. Probably because she never made a conscious decision to not have children. But really and truly, that is not a question that I can answer for her.
It's also not a question that should be said to me, her infertile daughter.
I'm really sorry your mother said that. It sounds like she was being defensive - very passive aggressive. And of course it says more about her than about you - and more about her and her relationship with herself than about her relationship with you, even though that's how you experience it. I really like the Observer/Experiencer distinctions. After the event, we can sit back and be observers, as you were when you phoned her back. But in the middle of that first conversation, that ouch punch to the gut - it is almost impossible not to experience the hurt that was conveyed, whether intentional or not.
ReplyDeleteSo I'm sending big hugs for the hurt IP, and lots of admiration for the IP who can rationalise it a bit later. Even though it still hurts. So sending lots of love too.
Thank you! I really hate to share this negative stuff about my mom. I promise she loves me. She just has her own stuff that gets in the way.
DeleteEven since this post, she has said some supportive things. It felt good.
But I post these things because I know I'm not the only one dealing with challenging family dynamics. I really want other people to feel that they're not alone.