I was expecting some sort of kids-type comments from my classmates at some point, and I'm actually surprised it took this long. Maybe going to school with a bunch of younger people has its advantages haha. Child bearing is just not on most of my classmates' radar screens. Although they are not all 22 and many of them do have kids, it just hasn't come up in conversation until this week.
This week I was on the receiving end of two comments. Well, one comment and one question really. And my response was unexpected by me. I didn't know what or how I was going to say anything when asked, but I thought I was going to remain private. But I didn't and I'm pleasantly surprised by my gut reaction.
The first comment was made Monday morning. We are in the middle of midterm exams and projects and a small group of us were sharing how stressed and overwhelmed we are, not knowing how we were going to get everything done. And one of my classmates said it: "At least you don't have kids." She didn't say it maliciously, rudely, or in any way with a negative connotation. She just said it matter-of-fact. And before I knew what was coming out of my mouth I said, "Well, if I had kids I wouldn't be here. I tried for years and it was very traumatizing. So, actually, I wish I did have kids." And I didn't say it rudely or bitterly. I just stated it matter-of-fact. I didn't feel stung by her comment and I didn't perceive that she felt stung by my comment. It was just a very small moment that simply passed. Huh. How 'bout that...
Then yesterday I was talking to two classmates during a break. One of them is close to my age and he asked, "Do you want kids?" And again, without thinking, I simply said, "I wanted them very badly. I tried for years and it was very traumatic." To which he replied, "I'm sorry." Wow. What? I seriously went two whole years while trying to have kids before I heard a single person say "I'm sorry" and a classmate said it within seconds of my disclosure? It felt like a small miracle. It felt kind of good. I said, "Thank you. I used to never talk about it, but I think it's important to be honest because it's actually kind of common." Then the other classmate asked, "Do you think you'll go into pediatrics?" And I very honestly and immediately replied, "I think so. Because I love working with kids so much. When I was deep into my depression I wasn't so sure I'd be able to handle it, but now that some time has passed I think I'll be able to do it. I hope so. Because I love kids." And that was that.
It was almost odd. To have two normal-seeming conversations about my infertility with people I just met two months ago. To speak about it without anger, resentment, or bitterness. To be received so well. To not be dismissed. It was nice.
:) :) :)
Like I said in my last post... Onward!
Dear Lucia, those were two awesome conversations that you had. I am very happy for you!
ReplyDeleteExactly, there is only way. Onward! I love this expression.
Thank you Klara. <3
DeleteGood for you! I'm so happy that you felt comfortable responding honestly. I remember the first time I did too.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I think I had to get to a place where it wasn't so painfully raw for me. Plus, I have been pretty amazed by how nice and supportive my classmates have been overall. (That makes all the difference in this program I am not exactly loving.) I don't think I'll always be so forthcomingly honest, but it seemed like the natural thing to do/say in those two instances.
DeleteI am glad you don't feel bitter and you don't get hurt by such questions/comments because it's the intent that counts, not the question itself. I ask people if they have kids myself because it gives me the opportunity to mention that I don't, and also I just like to listen to some stories about kids (not babies, though, since stories about them are always the same and interesting to their parents only - diapers, sleepless nights, first tooth etc).
ReplyDeleteI ask people if they have kids too. And I don't mind if people ask me. It's a normal conversation topic in my opinion. What I don't like though is if they ask "Why not?" after I say no. I think that crosses over into a weird territory. Like, either I wanted them and couldn't have them or I never wanted them to begin with, neither of which are casual conversation topics.
DeleteI'm just catching up with your blog posts and I love your themes. I can relate to a lot of what you are writing about. I have a lot of parallels with you: I also feel I can have normal-seeming conversations with people about my IF whereas a while ago I'd be seething with resentment and awkwardness. The same re baby conversations: I can either just smile politely now or just zone out with genuine boredom - a real development from the 'angry' years...
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing, isn't it? I couldn't see how I would ever not be angry, but here I am... And most days I am not angry. I have peace that I tried. Having kids was simply out of my control. I think creating new dreams with my husband helped immensely. We had to find something new to get excited about. My new career and us eventually moving out of state motivates us to keep going.
DeleteAnd yes, hahaha, I totally know what you mean about zoning out with genuine boredom. I like babies, but I can handle only so much conversation about them.