I cried yesterday. I didn't know it was coming. I didn't even know I was sad. I was just telling my husband about my day and all of a sudden the holidays and babies and family stuff hit me out of seemingly nowhere. I found myself telling him, "I'm back interacting in the world again. And I have to deal with other people's pregnancies. And other people's constant talk about their children. And it's hard. And it just sucks. And it's not fair."
The next thing I knew I was crying. And I thought I was doing so well. But I am doing so well. This is all just a part of it.
Every holiday season gets a little bit easier. I tried everything I wanted to try to try and get pregnant. Last holiday season was my first year knowing that I probably wouldn't be having children in this lifetime, so I thought this holiday season would be easy. But it's not. Because life goes on. My cousin's kids, who are the same age that mine would have been, are growing up. Another cousin is pregnant. The next generation is here and growing up and it will always be a bit of a reminder of what I don't have.
It's so important to be kind to ourselves. We experience life in a totally different way than fertile people do. I stopped expecting people to understand my reality a long time ago. Now I just do what I need to do to take care of myself.
I'm thinking of everyone this month. People dealing with infertility, people living life after infertility, people going through the holiday season after experiencing a profound loss... It's not easy, but we are not alone.
"It's so important to be kind to ourselves. We experience life in a totally different way than fertile people do. I stopped expecting people to understand my reality a long time ago. Now I just do what I need to do to take care of myself."
ReplyDeleteI really liked this -- good for you!! And (((hugs))) -- every now & then, even when you think you're doing really well, you're going to get blindsided... and that's OK!
It can be hard to explain to others how my life experience is so different from the norm. I mean, I don't go around trying to explain myself anymore these days, but, even when a caring friend is listening and wanting to learn more about my perspective, I can have a hard time articulating just what it's like to live life after infertility.
DeleteI'm sure I will still get blindsided from time to time, but I am glad to be reassured by you that it is okay. I will just continue to roll with it.
You ARE doing so well. I'm glad you recognise that. Sometimes, we just need to have a cry. The first holiday season I knew I'd never have children was hard, but fortunately was an adults' only Christmas. (Deliberately planned that way). The second year was hard too, so I also deliberately planned an escape and an adventure. That was good. By the next year, I was ready to be exposed to some children, but it takes time to feel really comfortable with it. I'm so glad therefore to read that you do in fact do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's so important, and it is so important for longer than most people think. But we here know, and we're sending best wishes from afar.
ReplyDelete"It is so important for longer than most people think." I completely agree. I realized I was being too hard on myself, almost like I was expecting myself to "be over it" by now. No, that's not fair to myself. I just need to respect wherever I am each day and treat myself as kindly and compassionately as I would treat a loved one.
DeleteHi Phoenix just catching up with you; sorry to hear you had some bad days this December. I hear you regarding the constant talk about kids: my department totally ramps it up at this time of year; I even had an idiot ask me across a crowd of people at the office drinks "Is Santa visiting your house this Christmas?". And he had to repeat it louder when I looked embarrassed. For god's sake: it seems to be all they can talk about.
ReplyDeleteI have a whole load of cousins who are competitively child-rearing and I'm part of some groups they've set up so I'm getting all the cute-child-staring-at-Christmas-tree pics via my phone at the moment: I'm usually in a good place with the no children issue but I admit this has set me back a bit this week. I just wish you could leave the group without the announcement "X has exited from the group"... I do agree with you that we experience life in a totally different way than fertile people. I consider myself childfree now (as opposed to childless) but I absolutely 100% feel like I'm in a parallel universe that no one with kids or who hasn't been through infertility understands.
Ug. This is what I dread most about returning to the work force once I graduate: all the baby/child/parenting talk. But I will get through it. I will find a quiet spot where I can go to eat my lunch in peace. And hopefully there will be a co-worker or two that will be a friendly face. And, worst case scenario and I can't escape fertile people's incessant conversation about parenting, I will remind myself that I will be going home to do whatever I want in a nice, warm, quiet home with my husband and dog.
DeleteHa!!! I don't even care anymore. I got on a group text message with family that quickly devolved into talk about a cousin's pregnancy and their future hopes and worries for their child in this world and I immediately left the conversation. I'm glad they could see I left. Hopefully, they won't add me back. I love them and I'm not bitter, but I'm not a part of that world and I don't need to be on a group text about it. A parallel universe- you are so right!!
These are important words. Wise words. And I'm glad you're being kind to yourself. Because you really are doing well, even if it doesn't always feel that way.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this affirmation!! Some days it doesn't feel like I'm doing well even if I can cognitively recognize my progress. I'm so thankful for this community. The understanding and support is priceless. <3
Delete"It's so important to be kind to ourselves. We experience life in a totally different way than fertile people do. I stopped expecting people to understand my reality a long time ago. Now I just do what I need to do to take care of myself. -S from https://delayedbutnotdeniedblog.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of everyone this month. People dealing with infertility, people living life after infertility, people going through the holiday season after experiencing a profound loss... It's not easy, but we are not alone." Thank you so much for writing these words. I can totally relate and thank you for the reminder to be kind to ourselves.
Sorry, this comment was formatted weird. I was quoting what you wrote and then "-S from https://...." interrupted your quote. I was not taking credit for what you wrote. I was expressing my appreciation for your words and how they helped me.
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