Well, the semester is coming to a close. I have a couple of projects and then final exams left. As I've shared, the whole thing has been much more difficult than I anticipated it to be. I honestly could not picture myself making it this far, but here I am. Then again, that last sentence could be used to describe my experience with infertility also.
I have been through a roller coaster of emotions throughout this semester. I felt overwhelmed academically and I am still grieving the loss of my children. It was so hard to get up every day and go through the motions. But it wouldn't have been any easier to stay in bed all day either. For the first time in years, I was around people who weren't my doctors and nurses at the fertility clinic and I had important due dates and deadlines that had nothing to do with ultrasounds and egg retrieval. I had to wear pants and a bra for longer than a couple of hours at a time. I had to be engaged in the outside world. And you know what's in the outside world: fertile people. Everywhere.
I think I've done pretty well. I had some good support. My husband is awesome. And I met a new friend in school that I really got along with. We have since added a third member to our study group and the three of us "waste" just as much time laughing as we do working. It has been so many years since I have laughed this much. They have no idea...
All of my classmates have hated this semester. The program is grueling. But, as I confided in my friend that knows I came to school after infertility and debilitating depression, I'm having the best time I've had in a long time. Hahaha! That's how much my life sucked! I had to go to a demanding, all-consuming, aggravating, frustrating, extremely difficult professional program to improve the quality of my life. Ha!!!!!
It's been a good distraction. It definitely got me out of my rut. And I met new people that I enjoy being around. And I am stoking the fire of a new passion- a new profession that I fall more in love with with each passing day.
It was during the second week of school I think that I texted my best friend and said something like, "I can't do this. It's too hard and I'm still too deep in grief. I think I went back to school too soon." And she texted me back, "So what if you did?" Hahahaha. I love her. So what if I did. Hahaha. I did the work to apply, applied, got in, moved, sold our house, registered, bought books, and started going to class. So what if it was too soon. I did it anyway. :)))