I don't know if this is my nature/personality or if this is left over from my experiences with infertility, but I am feeling really insecure about my new job. I feel like it is not going to last. I feel like I will get fired and it's my last option in this area for this career path.
To reiterate the obvious, it is a very insecure feeling.
Where is this feeling coming from? I think to myself... It is a new job and I am always nervous about new jobs. I did not get a good feeling from HR at orientation. But, I like the job so far. A lot. I like my boss and my co-workers and my job responsibilities. But I did not like the feeling of the message from the CEO's email this week. And I still feel weird about quitting my last job in this small town. (I feel uncomfortable but not regretful.) So I suppose it is a mixed bag of emotions. And they all feel pretty strong.
Plus, I'm waiting to move again. It's a positive situation, but it is still stressful.
I guess I'm still just wanting more stability.
Where did I get this idea that at some point in my life I wouldn't feel this way anymore?
Where did I get the idea that I would ever feel settled?
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Life is always changing.
Maybe it is just my nature/personality.
But infertility certainly didn't help. I still have so many frayed nerves left over from those years.
I've noticed that I can't believe anything is going to happen until it's actually happening. Even while it is happening, like with my job, it can still be hard to believe. I have a palpable feeling of discomfort because I have this feeling that it's not going to last.
It's like how the saying goes. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So I ask myself, "What information can I get from these feelings?" With regard to my new job, I think I understand that I have felt 50-50 about it. A couple of things have been incredibly awesome and a couple of things have given me a really bad feeling. So, it's a job. I have a job for now. I will enjoy the good parts and appreciate the growth and experience it will give me.
I remind myself that I will be okay. Whatever happens. I've already been through the worst. For me, nothing compares to losing motherhood and my children. Keeping my job or losing my job, I will survive whatever comes my way. I am secure in that knowledge. In that way, I am very free.
However, right now, I feel uncomfortable and insecure and I don't like it.
I look forward to this passing.
I hope it passes quickly. You have two big changes - major life changes - at the same time to cope with. That would destabilise anyone. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the validation and the reminder that I'm dealing with two major life changes! That really helps me remember to go easier on myself! Even positive stress is still stress ;)
DeleteAlso, did I miss something on the CEO's email? I'm sorry it unsettled you.
ReplyDeleteNo, you didn't miss anything. The CEO just sent out an email to all of the staff last week and I didn't like the tone. I hadn't mentioned it before this post, but I added it to the list of things that left me feeling weird.
DeleteThat's a pity. I hope it is just a case of something that was poorly drafted. Fingers crossed.
DeleteDear Phoenix,
ReplyDeleteConsidering the circumstances I think it is very normal to be insecure. I remember feeling this way for at least six months when I started my last job. I had recurring nightmares, too. They stopped after half a year though. Good luck ♡!
Thank you Elaine. I was not expecting to feel this way. But my personality, combined with my experiences with infertility and the pandemic, all add up to me just not really counting on much. I like the job so far (minus the people in administration), but I just feel like it's a fleeting experience... Oh well, I will just enjoy all I have to learn while I have this job!
DeleteOh no, that's a terrible feeling. It's hard not to keep that "other shoe dropping" feeling from infertility, it's a pervasive "what NOW" kind of thing, and you have had way more than your share of What NOWs. I'm sorry you're unsettled feeling. You have a lot of transition, but it sucks to feel like the rug could get pulled at any moment. Even if you know you'd survive it. 💜
ReplyDeleteThat is comforting though, to know that I will survive whatever comes my way. Thank you Jess.
DeleteMy team leader checked in with me today and I shared honestly that everything was off to a good start and I was feeling more competent with everything but that I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. She said she felt that way for the first several years. Ha! I said okay then, well looks like I need to move toward acceptance if this feeling isn't going anywhere for a bit.
Overall, I think I just need some time to let my nervous system calm down. Every weekend will help. :)
Oh dear. You're right that change is a constant in today's workplaces... change isn't always bad, though, so in your case, I hope that any changes are good ones in the long run. I can't say I blame you for feeling on edge, after your previous experiences. And yes, as Jess said, you know you can survive because you've done it already in many different ways! I do hope you don't have to put those survival skills to the test again, though! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteThanks Loribeth! It is comforting to know we can survive whatever comes our way. I'm moving on to the acceptance stage. I have so much to learn at my new job that I'm just trying to accept feeling uncomfortable because it's going to take awhile! :) And the sense of it being a fleeting moment? I think that's because I like the job so much. So I will just appreciate every moment I get to have.
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