I don't know if this is my nature/personality or if this is left over from my experiences with infertility, but I am feeling really insecure about my new job. I feel like it is not going to last. I feel like I will get fired and it's my last option in this area for this career path.
To reiterate the obvious, it is a very insecure feeling.
Where is this feeling coming from? I think to myself... It is a new job and I am always nervous about new jobs. I did not get a good feeling from HR at orientation. But, I like the job so far. A lot. I like my boss and my co-workers and my job responsibilities. But I did not like the feeling of the message from the CEO's email this week. And I still feel weird about quitting my last job in this small town. (I feel uncomfortable but not regretful.) So I suppose it is a mixed bag of emotions. And they all feel pretty strong.
Plus, I'm waiting to move again. It's a positive situation, but it is still stressful.
I guess I'm still just wanting more stability.
Where did I get this idea that at some point in my life I wouldn't feel this way anymore?
Where did I get the idea that I would ever feel settled?
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Life is always changing.
Maybe it is just my nature/personality.
But infertility certainly didn't help. I still have so many frayed nerves left over from those years.
I've noticed that I can't believe anything is going to happen until it's actually happening. Even while it is happening, like with my job, it can still be hard to believe. I have a palpable feeling of discomfort because I have this feeling that it's not going to last.
It's like how the saying goes. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So I ask myself, "What information can I get from these feelings?" With regard to my new job, I think I understand that I have felt 50-50 about it. A couple of things have been incredibly awesome and a couple of things have given me a really bad feeling. So, it's a job. I have a job for now. I will enjoy the good parts and appreciate the growth and experience it will give me.
I remind myself that I will be okay. Whatever happens. I've already been through the worst. For me, nothing compares to losing motherhood and my children. Keeping my job or losing my job, I will survive whatever comes my way. I am secure in that knowledge. In that way, I am very free.
However, right now, I feel uncomfortable and insecure and I don't like it.
I look forward to this passing.