What a relief it was to read a celebrity's story of a happy ending without a baby. Not only did Jennifer validate our community, but you know she gave a lot of comfort to women across the world who are experiencing involuntary childlessness without a supportive community.
It was this quote that resonated with me most:
“I would say my late 30s, 40s, I’d gone through really hard shit, and if it wasn’t for going through that, I would’ve never become who I was meant to be,” she says. “That’s why I have such gratitude for all those shitty things. Otherwise, I would’ve been stuck being this person that was so fearful, so nervous, so unsure of who they were.” She finishes her smoothie and reaches out to Chesterfield. “And now, I don’t fucking care.”
I am not the same after IVF, and I am not the same after IVF failure. Things that used to terrify me don't scare me like they used to. Oh, I need a shot? Well, I used to give myself shots for days. My marriage sucks and my husband has been ignoring me for years? Welp... So I said goodbye to my financially secure lifestyle and lived by myself 1,000 miles away from anyone I knew.
I'm still anxious. I still have fears. Just not as much. After losing my lifelong dream of motherhood, there's not much else major left for me to lose. Of course, I am extremely thankful for the good health that I do have, and I also know that can change in the blink of an eye. But I also know I can get through anything.
I had a surprising conversation with someone about Jennifer Aniston this past weekend. For some reason I asked one of my boyfriend's sisters, "Did you hear that Jennifer Aniston had failed IVF?" Her immediate comment should not have surprised me. She immediately said, "Well, if she really wanted kids she could've just adopted."
My reaction surprised me. I was so... Nice. Lol. I validated her and said, "You would think so, right? I mean, that's what most people think. You want kids? Just adopt. But unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. First of all, IVF is awful. It really wipes you out, not just financially, but emotionally. I had failed IVF and there was no way I could've ended treatments and just jumped into the adoption process. It wouldn't have been the right thing to do for anybody involved in the situation, not for me or any child. Also, people don't realize how many years it can take to adopt and that it's not even guaranteed. So you can go through the process for years and still not become a mother."
Then her comment surprised me.
"Oh, I never thought about it like that."
Let that sink in for a moment...
I. Never. Thought. About. It. Like. That.
Bless her. Bless my boyfriend's sister. Not only did she listen and receive my message, she allowed her own thinking to change because of it. Most people are so invested in their own opinions and aren't open to change. But one little paragraph of my thoughts and my boyfriend's sister gave me the gift of understanding.
"I never thought about it like that."
And maybe that's what this interview with Jennifer Aniston is doing around the world--making people think differently. One thought at a time.
I had a similar reaction once, from someone who told me when I was 50 that I could always adopt! I explained a little about adoption in NZ, and she was shocked. "
ReplyDeleteI. Never. Thought. About. It. Like. That." It's such a powerful reaction! Yay, you!
Adopting at 50? Um... No thank you. That sounds very tiring.
DeleteHow sad that I am so shocked at someone merely listening to me with an open mind. But I'm still going to celebrate it because I just honestly haven't experienced it that often.
The other thing that annoys the crap out of me when people say "just adopt" is that they completely dishonor our place in life as women who are resolved being childless-not-by-choice. It completely disrespects all we've endured, overcome, and achieved.
That's lovely that you broke through the adoption trope with your boyfriend's sister. It's kind of annoying to always be put in the place of educating others, but the myths and societal taboo on being happy when resolved without children are so strong. These injections of actual reality... Maybe they will eventually win out! I am still marinating on Jennifer Aniston, too. Great post!
ReplyDeleteIt's totally annoying to always have to educate others, which is why I don't do it a lot like I used to. I've explained so much to people who weren't even listening.
DeleteI was pleasantly surprised to feel so well-received by my boyfriend's sister. It was a really, really good feeling!
Bam! on your brilliant and eloquent response to the "just adopt" dismissal!! It's so hard to nail a good response to that one, I've bumbled it on more than one occasion believe me. Giving you a standing O!! And yes, even better it was received in all ways normal for a change. We all know brilliant clarity typically gets lost on people on the receiving end of this topic.....
ReplyDeleteOn another note - and I get that I'm in the total minority here - that quote struck me a bit sideways when I first read it. IVF made me not believe in "meant to be" in any form, I became the person I HAD to become to hold and navigate this loss. And I believe had my path been different, I'd have transformed in other ways good and useful (and the process would have been considerably less harsh!). Thank you for having a space and for being the kind of person where I feel comfortable to share my different reaction - XO.
Thank you! It only took me 7.5 years after my last failed treatment to finally get the spiel down! Lol.
DeleteOooh!! You are so right!! How did I gloss over the "meant to be" sentiment, a sentiment which I vehemently despise. Hahaha. I think I was so excited that she wasn't fearful and unsure of who she was anymore and that now she doesn't fucking care anymore that I completed missed that phrase I hate.
I greatly appreciate you sharing your opinion! Thanks for making me rethink that. I agree with you: "I became the person I HAD to become to hold and navigate this loss." <3