It Changes

Whatever you're going through, it changes.

Yesterday I felt a profoundly deep sadness for the loss of my children for a good 10 - 15 minutes. It hurt so bad I could barely stand it. And then it passed. It made me wonder, if I hadn't endured that feeling in the moment would it have lessened but lingered?

I've received two somewhat significant pregnancy announcements this week. 

One was from my advisor who asked me if I wanted to switch advisors. I assured her I did not. I've already received such valuable feedback from her, and she is extremely supportive of my topic. Just the way she requested a virtual meeting and shared her pregnancy news with me one-on-one and giving me an "out," showed me how considerate and thoughtful she is. I definitely want to keep her as my advisor.

The second one was from a co-worker. She mentioned it casually, didn't make a big deal about it, and kept on talking to me about work stuff. I congratulated her and immediately started thinking about her maternity leave, haha. By the afternoon I got an email from our boss asking if I was available to work more hours this summer. I replied "yes" immediately. I need the hours and I like the organization. If this is how I can get work and stay employed with this place, then I will cover my co-worker's maternity leave. 

And that explains why I am briefly coming out of retirement from pediatrics this summer.  To cover for my co-worker. Who will be on maternity leave.

It changes. All of it. How everything makes me feel as a childless not by choice woman. I still hurt. I still cry. But I also cover pediatrics for a co-worker's maternity leave. By choice. And I keep my original advisor for my CNBC research even though she's pregnant. Because I don't care. Ha!