Retirement Announcement

In my last post I shared an article from an author who is retiring from aunthood. 

It's an appropriate segue to share my big news: I am retiring from pediatrics.

It's pretty major. I did not come to this decision easily or lightly. I looove kids. And they love me. It's pretty much always an instant connection when I meet a new child or adolescent. I love working with children. I mean, I've been doing it for 25 years!

It started when I was 17 and got an amazing opportunity to get trained to work with a 4-year-old with autism in his home. What an incredible opportunity for a high school senior. 

During my freshman year of college I started a mentorship program at a neighboring elementary school. We paired college students with elementary students one-on-one and met once a week for fun activities.

After graduating college, I became an elementary special education teacher. I loved it! Not the paperwork, but the kids. The relationships we built. The fun we had. Nobody ever wanted to leave my classroom, myself included. 

I tried a semester of law school, but it was boring. And pointless. To me anyway. My classmates would complain about reading for six hours the night before and all I could think was, "Yeah, but did you TEACH anyone to read? That's what matters." I mean... They were complaining about reading when they knew how to read. When they knew English and the reading was in English. I just couldn't wrap my head around their complaints. It wasn't for me. I dropped out. 

I went back to teaching.

I kept teaching until I moved with my boyfriend at the time. I wasn't certified to teach in that state so I got a job with a non-profit... Running a program that benefited children. But after six months of working in schools and training teachers, I knew I had to return.

I moved back home and went back to teaching.

That job was my favorite job I've had yet. I stayed there for three years before quitting to start a family with my new (now ex-) husband.

Oh. Maybe I should have waited until I got pregnant?

But even then... I volunteered at the elementary school around the corner. I needed something that gave my life meaning. I asked the school counselor to pair me with a kid that needed extra attention, and I would go once a week with a crate on wheels filled with books, games, and craft supplies. We would do whatever the child wanted to do for thirty whole minutes. It was so much fun for both of us.

But after years of TTC, 3 failed IUIs, and 2 failed IVFs, I knew I had to put my energy elsewhere. (Ha! What energy?? There was hardly anything left of me aside from my skin and bones.) After isolating myself in my home for several years (except for my weekly volunteering gig and my Friday nights out to eat), I decided to go back to school for a new career. 

I braved the outside fertile world. I endured a semester of pediatrics taught by insensitive professors and interacted with classmates who were parenting and/or pregnant. Since knowing I'm not going to be raising children, I have substituted at a preschool, taught middle school math, been a healthcare provider in an elementary school, and worked in outpatient pediatrics.

Some habits die hard.

But now... I am announcing my retirement. Only you all and my boyfriend know. I tried telling my mom, but she exclaimed, "But that's where your gifts are! Who will serve the children??" 

You know what? That's not actually my responsibility. I am allowed to develop new gifts and take my services to new-to-me populations.

I will miss working with kids, but I will not miss working with fertile co-workers who judge me for my methods. Like I said, kids love me. I take a different approach with them. I treat each child like they are their own, individual person. (What a novel idea!) I don't talk down to them, I validate what they feel, and I help them with whatever it is they want help with. Needless to say, they like me. Kids trust me. And that leads to a lot of jealousy in the workplace. I don't need that shit. I don't need to be treated like a 12-year-old by my co-workers. It has happened in every place I've worked (except for the aforementioned Favorite Job where I got the chance to feel valued and respected). Sorry I look 25 and sorry kids like me, but there's nothing I can do about that.

Whew! /end rant
Well, that particular rant anyway...

I didn't even have problems with the parents. That's a common obstacle. But not for me. Parents knew I had their child's best interest at heart. They knew it and they trusted me. Their child liked me and trusted me, and that's what mattered most to the parents. I didn't judge them or their child; I just met everyone wherever they were on this journey of life. The parents knew that.

It was the co-workers. And the screens. Ohhh the screens. Our poor children are growing up addicted. It's not just tv. It's cell phones and lap tops and tablets. It's not reading a book in the waiting room anymore but watching a video. It's not drawing in class but constantly checking social media. Even in grad school, my classmates were always shopping online instead of listening to the lecture. Until I can find a school or facility that uses old fashioned paper and pencil instead of computers with kids, I cannot participate. It's too much to overcome.

My last birthday was the turning point. Who knew turning 42 would be so pivotal? That's when I realized I'd been working with children for 25 years. I thought about what I wanted to do for the next 25 years. I don't plan on being able to retire, so I at least want to somewhat enjoy whatever it is I'm doing. I'm getting older and, as I look to the future, I don't want to be getting up and down from the floor all day. I already can't run and play as long as I used to. I'm just... changing. And that's okay. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. I love kids, but I am taking my career in a new direction. I am going to build my skill set so I will be qualified to work with adults.

I am retiring from pediatrics.

It was an extremely hard decision.

But it feels right for me.