Oh man, I just read a very interesting article shared on Loribeth's Weekend Odds & Ends. Like I commented on her post, I can't believe I just read in print what I've secretly thought to myself for years. The article is called I'm Retiring From Aunthood and I'm going to describe it as brave.
The author spent fifteen years pouring herself into her nieces' and nephews' lives. And for what. Now they've all moved away. She doesn't have anything to show for it. She doesn't get gifts. I assume she doesn't get phone calls. She doesn't get any special recognition for being their aunt.
She writes with brutal honesty, "And I wonder if being an aunt really matters, at all."
Oof. I feel that.
I am of the mind that it doesn't. I mean, it does. But... It totally doesn't.
I love my niece. I love my nephew. But I have no idea what is going on in their lives. I never do. They don't tell me and neither do my sisters. Nobody thinks to tell me. Nobody gets good news to share or wants life advice and thinks, "I'm gonna call Phoenix." Nope. Never. I love them and they love me, but I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about being in active relationship.
I had a very close friend many years ago. I've written about her before. I literally screamed over the phone when she called to tell me she was pregnant. I went to the baby shower. I went to the girl's birthday party every year. Until I didn't. I had already bought her presents, but I wasn't invited to birthday party #6.
So... Biological aunt, honorary aunt, it doesn't really matter. Nobody cares. I mean, they do. But they don't. I've learned not to get my hopes up. I don't get involved with other people's kids anymore. I care about them, but I also care about myself. Nobody takes care of me, so I do.
Yep! It was a heart-breaking article, but one I could relate to as well. And as soon as you mentioned "honorary aunts" I immediately remember two kids I always bought presents for, babysat ... until I didn't.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, Mali. I think this experience is more common than not, and I'm sure being honest about it helps others who feel bad while they are going through it. It HURTS while you are experiencing it. I've grieved and I'm okay now. My niece and nephew are adults. But I hate it so, so much when people try to "console" the childless not by choice by saying things like, "But you can be an aunt!" No, that doesn't even come close to healing our losses and in a lot of cases (most?) it only causes further pain. I am just being honest. It's the only way I know how to be.
DeletePS. Meant to send hugs in my previous comment!
ReplyDeleteAw, thank you! Just receiving a comment makes me feel like I've been hugged by a friend, so a hug is always implied. <3 Hugs to you too!!
DeleteMali wrote a post with a different perspective that I think is really important to read. <3 https://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2022/05/being-aunt.html
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've had a similar experience. :( BIL & SIL have usually been pretty good about including us in things... usually, but not always. I've also written on my blog about dh's cousin, who lived near us at our house ("Cousin/Neighbour") -- we adored their two daughters and treated them like nieces -- and then they started disappearing from our lives. I later realized there were other factors at work that we weren't aware of at the time (the marriage was gradually breaking down), but still...
ReplyDeleteIt hurts to be left out, especially when you WANT to be part of their lives. We have so much to offer.
In the past, I had this idea that I would be an important part of certain people's lives. It just set me up for disappointment. Now I'm not as interested (lol) and my expectations are lower, so it's not so bad. I do love kids, but there aren't any in my life on a regular basis right now. That's fine. I'm open to the future, whether that changes or not.
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