I had an unexpected conversation recently. I don't even know what I want to say about it. Maybe I just want to share that it happened.
I was talking to someone I've met in the last couple of months. I knew she had two kids but didn't know their ages so I asked. (They are 2 and 7 if you were curious, but you probably weren't hahaha.) I was a little surprised that her oldest was 7 because she (the mom) looks so young, but she went on to say that she had her daughter at 18. Oh, okay, that makes sense.
She asked me, "What about you? Do you want kids?"
And I simply said, "I can't."
She probed further and I inexplicably did not mind at all.
She said, "Why not?" And then apologized saying something like, "Sorry, I know it's not any of my business, but I'm asking anyway."
I actually laughed out loud at her approach and said, "My eggs are bad." She looked confused. I told her, "I waited until I was 30 to start trying and apparently that was too late for me." (Technically, I waited until I was 32 but I remember just saying 30 to her.)
What she said next was predictable: "Well, there's always adoption."
I simply said, "I tried that. I tried everything."
She looked at me with sadness but no pity (I don't know, I can't explain it, that's just how it felt) and said, "That's so sad." I agreed. I said, "It is sad. Thank you."
And then somehow we easily moved from that serious conversation to more light-hearted chatter.
I felt seen and heard by her, and I don't often get that from fertile women.
That is so fantastic, I am so glad your shared it...I am finding that with time, I am able to calmly answer the pointed questions I get. Maybe also, this newer group of mothers has learned from us, that indeed, not everything goes as we had hoped and it is not from lack of trying. Gold star for you, you did amazing!!
ReplyDeleteI love her final reply.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your final reply.
"It is sad. Thank you."
It is sad.
Sometimes we just can't do anything about something. Just to accept it and find another path.
Oh lovely. Lovely lovely lovely to be seen and heard. To explain in plain teens and just be met with acceptance. You didn't have to educate, but I'm glad you did. 💜
ReplyDeleteUgh to the "there's always adoption" response, but yay to the teaching moment. I'm so glad you felt seen. Sometimes it is the most unexpected people who can make us feel this way. And it's a good reminder that not everyone is insensitive!
ReplyDeleteLike Mali, I also cringed over "there's always adoption" -- but I'm glad she finally seemed to "get it" (she did seem to realize she was treading on sensitive territory!) and you were able to move on to other topics!
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