Was it infertility? Or, was it the pandemic? Or, is it aging?
It's probably a combination with even more variables I haven't thought of yet.
Working with kids feels different.
And I've worked with kids since knowing I wasn't going to be raising any. Actually, since knowing, I've worked in a couple of different positions in several different settings: preschool, public schools, and hospitals. It didn't hurt or bother me then. And it doesn't hurt or bother me now.
But something is different.
Am I sick of playing? I don't think so... Am I tired of redirecting behavior? Well, that comes with working with people no matter if they're kids or adults, so, no, that's not exactly it either.
Maybe part of it is I feel inefficient. I think Anne Sullivan, Helen Keller's teacher, had my dream job. Take the kid out to a cabin, have high expectations, and work with them 24/7. I'm kind of kidding but kind of serious. I feel limited in what I can do once a week or even five days a week.
I still like kids. And kids still like me. I think. But I just don't want to do it anymore. And for some reason, this perplexes me and I want to know why.
Another idea I've been having is maybe I relate better to older adults now. As I work with people who are sick or injured in the hospital or elderly adults who live in long-term care, I can relate to their frustrations with their health and body. Sometimes I share that my body didn't work the way I wanted it to either, but most of the time I just empathize with their sadness and frustration.
I knew what it was like to be a stressed out kid.
Now I know what it is like to have your adult body fail you.
Maybe, after working or volunteering with children for 25 years, I'm just ready for a change. I mean, my oldest student is 32 now. My niece and nephew are grown adults. Even my own children wouldn't be little kids anymore.
Maybe it's a case of kids grow up and so have I. Hahaha. (I don't mean people who work with kids aren't grown up. I mean I've always been very young at heart, but now I'm feeling older.)
Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm regretting covering my co-worker's maternity leave. I am grateful for the opportunity to work. I remind myself that working with kids is the one thing I know how to do confidently. But I still feel anxious and I honestly don't enjoy it like I used to, so I've just been thinking about it a lot lately.
I've read some old posts of mine recently. They remind me of where I was, what I was doing, and how I was feeling. They remind me of what I've already been through, what I've already endured and survived. So I know this pediatrics coverage will come and go. Three months is not a very long time. And I know I will like parts of it every day.
It just feels completely different this time and I don't know why.
Oooh, that's so interesting. Maybe it is because you've moved on, with a different focus and very different (but no less exciting) goals. And so this pulls you back to remind you of a life that was more difficult, and prevents you focusing 100% on where you are headed now?
ReplyDeleteOhhh. This makes a lot of sense. I have moved on... In so many ways. Personally and professionally.
DeleteThank you, Mali. I think this is another factor at play. So helpful as I try to piece this puzzle together!!
Fascinating! I love that meme at the bottom. Well, I think we are constantly evolving. And I think maybe you've had several iterations of yourself and you have been able to try different things at different times, and working with older adults is what resonates best with you now. I'll share that when I was in college I quit the teaching certification program because it wasn't right for me at the time. When I went back to school at 28, I did childhood 1-6. I realized that older kids were where my passion lived, and now I can't imagine doing anything else, but there were past versions of me who would NOT have foreseen it whatsoever. I think you know yourself very well. I think it will be nice when you can return to your preferred age group, but maybe this is an opportunity to solidify your love of older humans.
ReplyDeleteHa! When I was in college, I quit the teaching program too! I figured it would be easier to do an alternative certification program after graduation than try to fit in all the credit hours for a third major.
DeleteAnd I like that thought: using this as an opportunity to solidify my love of working with older adults.
Yeah, the whole thing has felt very confusing. Because I was passionate about working with kids for so long. So for it to feel different, so completely different, has thrown me for a loop.