I'm glad I started blogging when I did. There's no way I could write about the hardest years now with the same rawness as I did back then. I'm glad I tried to capture what I was feeling at the time. Blogging was completely out of my comfort zone, but I didn't know what else to do. I was walking death and everything hurt.
There are several messages I've repeatedly given on this blog.
- Infertility sucks.
- Feel your feelings.
- You deserve to enjoy your life.
Let's talk about #2. What happens when you don't feel your feelings? In my experience, they get stuck. The feelings get stuck inside of me. They start to rot and they turn to anger. Stuck feelings make me a very angry person. I experienced this in my teens, twenties, and thirties, each decade for different reasons.
But if I let it all out... If I frequently cry quietly... If I occasionally cry loudly... If I use my words to tell a person why I am mad, sad, or disappointed... If I journal honestly... If I blog vulnerably...
It gets out. The feelings get out. And they don't stay stuck.
Things that used to hurt me, hurt less. Things that used to bother me, I just don't care.
It makes room for other things.
(Which, years ago, was just more grief. But that's a part of the process too.)
I've yelled this from roof tops at every job I've had: we are not robots! I couldn't care less about unfunded mandates and pointless, inefficient protocols. I loathe productivity standards.
I am a human being. I have good days and bad. I am awesome, and I make mistakes.
I don't know... It's just... I read something recently, started crafting a response in my head, and decided to just write it down here. From constant productivity at work and home to the expectation that we process our emotions in a tidy and linear fashion, I am freaking over it.
We are not robots.
And also? INFERTILITY FUCKING SUCKS.
My point is this. Be sad. Be devastated. Be mad. Be livid. Be angry. Be depressed. Feel sorry for yourself. Acknowledge your losses. Not raising kids when you wanted to destroys dreams and life as you knew it.
But you're still left at the end. You're still here.
And you deserve to enjoy something about your existence, no matter how small.
(Image found in a brief post about grief. https://www.debbieaugenthaler.com/listening-is-often-the-only-thing-3-2-2-2-2/)