Several weeks ago I was hanging out with two new friends. They are both in their late 30s and neither one of them has kids. At one point we were all talking about how we couldn't believe we were in our late 30s and early 40s. One of them asked us, "What did you think your life would look like at this age?"
What an interesting question! Especially with two other women I didn't really know.
The first woman shared that she didn't know, that she honestly couldn't picture herself living this long and so she had no idea what it would be like in her late 30s. (I think she was referencing some health issues she had as a teenager.)
The second woman proudly said that she figured she'd be a cat lady. She always pictured herself single with a bunch of cats in adulthood. I hope she's not disappointed that she has a long-time boyfriend and only one cat, haha.
Then they looked at me. "What about you? What did you think your life was going to look like?"
I hesitated. These women don't know me, don't know my story. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what they were going to say in response to whatever came out of my mouth. I stuck with my usual style and went with the truth.
"I thought I'd be married with 2 or 3 kids, living in a 4-bedroom house, homeschooling, driving everyone back and forth to their activities, and basically writing lists, keeping schedules, and staying organized. I wanted it so bad."
They heard me. They listened. My new friends didn't think my dreams were lame. They also didn't think I was tragic and broken and deserving only pity for not getting what I desperately wanted.
And then the three of us talked about how we ended up here. We've all had hardships, although we didn't talk about those. We just talked geography. We are all from cities. From three different states. Now we're all here. In a fourth state. Living rural. Experiencing all four seasons.
And loving it.
Oooh, I love this. Nope, there are no guarantees in life, and so many times what you envisioned and what you get are so very different. I blame the patriarchy and our pronatalist society, ha ha. (I'd say just kidding but I do kind of mean it.) I'm glad you could have an honest conversation with new friends, and have the best possible reaction. 💜
ReplyDeleteThere are no guarantees in life, that's for sure.
DeleteIt was so nice to be well received. No arguments, no proposed solutions. Nothing defensive, condescending, or pitying. No need to explain, excuse, or apologize. What a gift really!
They just... listened. What a concept!!
I love the post, but it is so sad when a normal, respectful conversation is worthy of note, because so often our choices or circumstances are ignored or not respected. Sigh. Still, I'm glad you had the conversation, and more importantly, have these women in your life.
ReplyDeleteThe more I move away from child-centric settings, the more I meet women that I can relate to... Maybe one day these normal conversations won't be so isolated.
DeleteHow wonderful: "They heard me. They listened. My new friends didn't think my dreams were lame. They also didn't think I was tragic and broken and deserving only pity for not getting what I desperately wanted."
ReplyDeleteThis is how it should be! Always <3.
I'm used to feeling like either people feel sorry for me or people think my dreams were stupid. It was so freaking nice just to feel listened to without any judgement of any kind. <3
DeleteSo glad you found some kindred spirits to talk to! I'm sure a lot of people (even parents) will tell you their lives didn't turn out the way they thought it would, in at least SOME respect. But yes, there's added poignancy when your unfulfilled dreams are so close to other people's take-for-granted reality!
ReplyDeleteI remember I had my life all planned out when I was a teenager (hahahaha...). I was going to university (I did!), I was going to write for a living -- maybe books, maybe for a newspaper. ("Corporate communications" did not really exist as a field back then, and if anyone had told me I'd wind up working for 28!! years!! for the same company my dad spent 20 years at!! -- like, "yeah, RIGHT....!") I was going to marry a doctor (! -- well, dh did consider it, and his original field was immunology...!), have at least two and possibly four kids, and we'd live in a nice big house in an upscale suburb of Winnipeg. Or possibly Calgary or Edmonton or Saskatoon. Never in a gazillion years did I imagine living in Toronto, of all places!! nevermind without kids!
Which is not to say it's been a bad life, of course! ;)
Yeah, I suppose nobody's life goes as planned. It's interesting to think about what we planned and what we got, what we thought we wanted and what we have instead. I don't say that last sentence to diminish our losses at all. It's just interesting to think about now that I'm almost a decade out from my failed treatments and living a completely different life. <3
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