I feel compelled to state the obvious: it's the last day of January 2024. Is it just me or did that month seem to go by pretty fast? I wasn't even having that great of a time and it still flew by. February tomorrow. Huh. How about that.
I've written so much about how far I've come from my devastation of not being able to raise children. I like to share what changes I've made and what makes me happy. I like to share that I like my life. But I also like to be real. And the truth is that I still grieve. Something will trigger my pain and then I feel the losses that come throughout life when you're involuntarily childless.
Someone showed me a picture the other day. It was someone I know very well that showed it to me. I thought they'd know better. The picture was of a baby of someone else I know very well that is now grown up. I'd never seen a picture of them as a baby. I burst into tears.
Whoa. Didn't see that coming...
But, I know I'm low on emotional resources these days. Plus, I'm in my season of grief, that time of year where I was undergoing IVF nine years ago. The body remembers. I give myself grace.
You know what I did. I felt my sadness, and I let myself cry without judgment. Then the moment really did pass. It took an hour or two, but that was it. Things like that no longer incapacitate me.
But I want to acknowledge that the moments of grief still happen.
And time marches on.
Sending hugs. Yes, indeed, time marches on, it gets easier, but occasionally we still feel the loss sharply. More hugs, and lots of warm wishes from the summery south.
ReplyDeleteTime is so weird. Sometimes it moves fast. Sometimes it stands still. Sometimes, it stands still for some while simultaneously moving fast for others. 2023 felt quick, and then January 2024 went quickly too.
DeleteThat picture caught me off guard. And then I felt surprised that I was caught off guard. But... I guess that's how being caught off guard goes, haha. I'm so glad those kinds of moments pass quickly now.
Thank you for the warm hugs.
First of all, I also want to send hugs. You are in the season of grief while going through new difficult stuff, which must be hard. I am sorry about that.
ReplyDeletePregnancies, ultrasound pictures, (newborn) babies... these can all still trigger my grief, too, even though it doesn't happen as often as it used to. Strangely enough, I am surprised when it happens to myself more than when I read about it from others.
I am glad you gave yourself the space you needed. You still are a champion for me in how you do this <3. I am sorry you are low on emotional resources. Sending you warmth and the kindest wishes!
It's getting to where pictures don't bother me like they used to, but that baby picture of that particular person really caught me off guard. It was sad.
DeleteOh and I just remembered that the other day at work I asked about a co-worker's kids and, before I knew what was happening, she showed me a video on her phone of her kid at gymnastics class. Gymnastics was something I was very excited to introduce my kids to. I took a deep breath, watched the video, felt my sadness, felt joy about the video too, said "How fun!" to my co-worker, and acknowledged my pain to myself. Then I put it out of my mind for the rest of the day with the lesson being--be careful asking about co-workers' kids! I don't blame her and I don't blame me, but they might just unknowingly show you a video that hurts to see.
Thank you for your comment and your friendship and for your wealth of understanding. It's all priceless.