Changes Over Time with My BFF

Out of all of my friends that I've written about on this blog, I haven't told you about the friend that I was closest to: my best friend from college. I met her within the first month or two of our first semester. She was so cool, and I wanted to be her friend. We were housemates the following year. She traveled abroad our third year and then we rented apartments in the same neighborhood our final year. It was so fun being her friend and I trusted her with everything. I was so anxious but outgoing, and she was so rational but shy in big groups. We were a good pair together. We complimented each other well. She helped me immensely.

We graduated college and continued to talk on the phone almost every day for the next couple of years. Then, inevitably, the demands of life increased and we no longer had as much free time to do that. But still, we were very much in touch.

When I got engaged, she was happy for me... But also sad for herself. She really, really wanted to be engaged. She and her boyfriend had been together for years and she was ready to get married. We talked openly about it and I said what we both already knew--that we weren't always going to be on the same timeline as each other. (Yes, this was some Real Life foreshadowing...)

My best friend and her boyfriend came to my wedding, even though it wasn't a destination they would have personally chosen. She was totally present with me and happy for me, and it was a great celebration. She and her boyfriend were engaged within the next six months, and my husband and I went to their wedding the following year. Yay! We were both newlyweds.

Then she called to tell me she was pregnant. And I was happy for her... But also sad for myself. I hadn't even started trying yet; my husband didn't want to. I also had a feeling of dread that it wasn't going to happen for me. And this was my best friend. She knew everything about me. She knew about my fear of infertility. I confided in her about it in college and she assured me I was worrying for nothing. She was the rational one. I tried to believe her.

And now she was pregnant. Which was great. But our lives were moving in different directions...

We didn't talk as much.

Several years and two kids later (two for her, none for me obviously), we were still loosely in touch. But she was busy with baby and toddler things. I was busy with fertility treatments and grief. I knew my life wouldn't be like this forever. Neither would hers. I hoped we'd reconnect again later down the road...

We always stayed in touch. But we lived on opposite sides of the country and did not have much in common, aside from our shared history in college. 

She had a third kid. I was surprised, but I'm sure she and her husband were more surprised, lol. They were already in the thick of things with parenting though, so, hey, what's one more? Haha. 

Anyway, the years passed by and life went on... Her kids and career were growing, and I was going back to school and moving a bunch just trying to find a place to land.

Then earlier this year, when I was going through the breakup (wow, that feels so long ago!), I texted her to let her know. She was so kind and supportive with her messages. And she also invited me on her family's summer vacation. Me with her, her husband, and their three kids.

And I realized, if I am going to meet my best friend's kids while they are still kids, I need to meet them NOW.

I couldn't believe she invited me on their freaking family vacation. We hadn't even seen each other in 12 years. I mean, I know her husband and I feel completely comfortable with both of them, but still... In a way, it was just a trip to see old friends. But with infertility, in another way, the trip was a lot to consider.

I did it. I went. I flew across the country and spent a week with my best friend from college and her family. And it was so awesome. Amazing. No regrets. So much fun. 10/10 will do it again.

(Obviously, working through everything and getting back together with my boyfriend was the best thing about the breakup. But the second best thing was going out of my comfort zone and taking that trip to see my best friend!)

Were there hard moments? Yes. Was it bittersweet? Also yes. But this is my life and I want to live it. I want to see my best friend and meet her kids and spend time with her family. Like I said in my previous post, it's the person that makes the difference in a situation. And my best friend is awesome. And so are her kids.

The Person Makes the Difference

I will always take certain events and situations into consideration.

My last two posts were about a wedding I went to and a shower I'm going to.

When it comes down to it, whether or not something is cool to go to depends on the people involved. If I feel dismissed, insulted, or marginalized, guess what, I'm not that interested in your wedding or your shower or whatever. If you're cool (i.e., kind), then yes I'm happy and excited to celebrate with you. 

For years, everything stung. Weddings, showers, birthday parties. Every invitation. Every non-invitation (i.e., every time I wasn't invited). Everything hurt. Even (especially?) with the people that I cared about most. I avoided things because it was all I knew to do to protect myself.

Over time, I worked on my life and myself--both of which were empty after years of infertility.

Over time, things changed. Not quickly. It felt more like the pace of the Colorado River carving the Grand Canyon. Very, very slowly. But still, things changed over time.

Remember when I met an unlikely friend? 
Maybe that's when the tiniest of monumental changes started.

I'm happy to share I got to see him. His family was on vacation nearby so I met up with them for dinner. It was great to see him and his wife. Their 10-month old is now almost 9 and they have two other kids under 5, so I got to meet them too.

It was really cool. The last time I saw them was 6 years ago. When I met my friend 8 years ago, we both had plans to move. And we did, and here we are. We live several hours apart, but we'll hang out again. He and his family will be back in my area occasionally because it's a nice spot. And my boyfriend and I will be in their area when we visit my boyfriend's family. It'll be nice to see everyone over the years.

I don't have a lot of friends that are currently raising children. However, I have spent time around a couple of friends and their kids twice in the last six months. It's not like how it was. How it used to hurt. It doesn't feel like that anymore. Maybe a part of me will always be sad about not having kids. But not everything is devastating anymore. Not all events and situations are hard or hurtful. 

If it's people I really care about and that care about me, I enjoy the moments. 

Got a Shower Invitation

Yesterday I got an invitation to a baby shower, and I immediately responded with a yes. I knew the invitation was coming, and I had already decided to go. I'm sharing this because it shows how things can change over time.

After my experience with infertility, I swore I'd never go to another baby shower again. But then I ended up organizing a baby shower, haha. Now, five years later, I'm going to another one.

This baby shower is different from the others though. It is not for a friend. It is for a friend's daughter. Yes, because time marches on... I am no longer the age where my peers are getting pregnant. But I am at the age where my peers' young adult children are.

This is a new friend I've made in the last year, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about my infertility. I mean, obviously, she knows I don't have kids. But we've never talked about it. Maybe she has picked up on what has led me to this point in my life, or maybe she hasn't...

But I'm definitely going to her daughter's baby shower. It wasn't a planned pregnancy, which doesn't matter, but the whole family is very excited. The shower will be a simple affair. My friend is hosting it at the library of our community college. (I'm excited to see the library! Lol.) I'm sure we'll play games and eat snacks and watch the mom-to-be open presents. Obviously, there will be talk about the baby that is coming and babies in general. Other women there will probably talk about their pregnancies and parenting experiences.

And I don't care. I'm excited to be invited. I'm looking forward to celebrating my friend's daughter.

I'm not making plans for after the shower in case it stirs up my emotions. But it might not. The truth is, I don't want to be pregnant anymore. That's not where I am in life. I don't think the shower will trigger an unmanageable yearning like it has in the past. Yes, I still get sad sometimes, but I also love my life. (And I also love that I finally have several friends in real life again that I can meet up with for dinner and gatherings.)

I'm even making a simple quilt for the baby. None of it makes me sad. 

And that is worth celebrating!

Attending Weddings Alone and Childless

How do you feel about weddings? Are you invited to any? Do you love them, dread them, or do you not feel strongly one way or another? Have your feelings changed over time? I'm just curious.

Maybe I've been lucky but most of the weddings I've attended have been great. I've never been stuck in a long, boring ceremony, and most of the receptions have been a lot of fun. But when I think about it, most of the weddings I've been to were quite a while ago. I think I've only been to two in the last decade. 

I used to love weddings. I still like them, but I don't love them the way I used to. 

I think infertility changed them for me. I always associated marriage with having children for myself because that's what I wanted to do: get married and have kids. It's the norm in society. So weddings often reference future children and that always stings because 1) it sucks that that didn't work out for me and 2) I hope the newly married couple doesn't have to go through infertility if they want to conceive children.

Interestingly, I don't think divorce changed weddings too much for me. I loved being married. And I love being divorced. However, whereas getting married was really fun, getting divorced was obviously not fun. But still, my experience with marriage and divorce doesn't change my feelings about weddings.

I will say this though. I gave everyone a plus-one to my wedding. If you were going to come to my wedding, I wanted you to enjoy your time with someone, whether it was your boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, or mother. I didn't care. 

When I think of the last two weddings I've attended, they were weird. I attended the last two weddings alone. Even when you know people at the wedding, it feels weird to go to one alone. I mean, the whole thing is a celebration of a relationship. (I don't have to be in a romantic relationship, but it's more fun to enjoy the event with someone. Twenty years ago I took my best friend to a wedding for another friend, and she and I had a great time.)

The first wedding I went to alone was because my husband didn't want to go. So he didn't go. So I traveled out of state to go to my cousin's wedding by myself. I stayed in a nice hotel room by myself and attended the ceremony (where future children were definitely referenced and I was going through infertility at the time) and then the reception by myself. Earlier in the day I went to lunch and a museum with my dad, and at the reception I ended up getting to know and hanging out with the wife of one of my cousins. I had a good time, but it felt weird to be childless and alone at the wedding.

The second wedding I went to alone was recent. I went alone because my boyfriend was very rudely and explicitly not invited. I was hurt but went anyway because it was a person very close to me. Well, it was a person who I thought I was close to. Anyway, I went. And I was the only person there in a relationship whose partner was not invited. I felt like how I feel during the holiday season sometimes, like I'm a person just looking from the outside in on everyone else's families during a joyous time. Again, it felt weird to be childless and alone at the wedding. Not to mention the hurtful things that were said.

I still like weddings. I don't know how many more will be in my future. But if I'm invited and able to go, I will. I love love. And I love the team approach to life. So I love to celebrate two people getting married and becoming a team. The ceremonies are usually short, and the receptions are fun because it's just happy people celebrating.

I still enjoy weddings, but I doubt I'll go to one alone again.