Sadness Comes and Goes

I cried on Xmas. Well, first I went to work. I prefer to work on the morning of Dec. 25th. It distracts me from thinking about Xmas mornings "that coulda been."

As an aside, I feel fairly confident I will never spend Xmas morning with anyone's children ever. Maybe if my niece or nephew (who have both repeatedly said they won't have kids) have kids. Maybe.

So, I'm really grateful that I work in a hospital and have the opportunity to work on the holiday. This year co-workers were wearing silly sweaters and hats, and someone brought in a bunch of cookies and snacks. Everyone was in a good mood. It was fun. It was festive.

And then I felt sad when I got home. So I gave myself that moment too.

I love that women who are childless not by choice can share what all they have overcome and what all they enjoy now. I also love that we are still honest when we have our sad moments.

And in the afternoon of Xmas 2023, I was sad. I felt my pain. I always wanted a family of my own. I don't have that, and I never will. We don't know the future but, because of age and logistics and everything, I have most likely missed being a close part of a small child's life. I will not have holidays with them. I will not watch them grow up. I will not get to help them and play with them. 

However, I did get to watch my niece and nephew grow up. That was pretty cool. I was a teenager when they were each born. The three of us are pretty close, and I feel like we are only getting closer as we grow older and continue to choose to have each other in our lives. Speaking of, I am overdue for a visit to them both in their respective cities...

Anyway, I digress. Which is how my childless-related sadness seems to go these days too. When I feel it, I feel it... And then I eventually get distracted by other thoughts or feelings. The sadness no longer stays all day (or week or month or year).

So I didn't have a great Xmas. I've got some stressful stuff going on that I am getting through. I loved seeing my family beforehand, and I'm glad I got to work on the actual holiday. But for the first time ever, I didn't even have a Xmas dinner. And now I've already packed up my tree and decorations. The Xmas holiday is over at my house and that is fine. I also look forward to it again next year.

Now, when I'm not working, I am resting and being still. You've heard me say it a million times, but I am tired. I am climbing one more mountain before I can truly rest for a minute, but I am pacing myself for the next couple of weeks. And even with my stress and sadness, I am looking forward to the future. I love seeing family, friends, and enjoying the little things.

🔮😎

Childless Conversations When Home for the Holidays

I visited family for the holidays. It was a lot of fun, and I am really thankful everyone took the time and made the trip. There were 17 of us, and we came from 5 states. It's the weekend I most look forward to out of the year, and it always goes by so fast.

Last year I had an important conversation with my niece that I forgot to share here. This year I had another important conversation with my cousin. I'll share the first story and then the other. :)

*****

Last year's conversation was really unexpected. I hadn't seen my young adult niece in four years (that's crazy!!) because I was working in 2019, the pandemic hit in 2020, and she was working in 2021. So I *finally* got to see her at Family Xmas in 2022. We stayed up late talking about a little bit of everything.

Normally, I don't say anything about anyone else's fertility. But with her I said, "Normally, I don't say anything to anyone about getting pregnant. And, I know you've said you don't want kids. It's fine if you don't. And it's fine if you do. You're allowed to change your mind. But since you're my niece, you are the only person that I am going to tell that women's fertility decreases much sooner than we think. So if you want kids, please know that you are more fertile in your 20s than your 30s. And I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by saying all of that."

She said it was fine that I said everything but that she still didn't want kids. But what she said next completely surprised me. She said, "[My fiance] has a lot of nieces and nephews, and I just want to be the cool aunt. I mean, I got to have you. And I want to be like that. I just want to be the cool aunt and not have kids."

What?? I'm cool?? (I assure you I am not, hahaha.) But how cool is that? Someone wants to be like me. Someone watched my life without kids and thought, "That's what I want." Wow...

*****

Then this year I was able to say something to my cousin. We've never talked about infertility. She is very private. But I know that she has had at least one heartbreaking experience with trying to conceive. And I've wanted to say something to her for years...

That goes to show how stigmatized and confusing this whole topic is. Here I am, like, totally out of the closet with infertility and being childless not by choice, and I still hadn't found the words to express empathy to my cousin.

But this year there was a moment where it was just me and her outside. I seized the moment. I simply asked her, "How are you doing?" without any context or pretext. And she knew exactly what I meant. She took a deep breath and said, "... I'm okay." She followed with, "I'm good. I'm good. I'm sad. But I'm okay." And then I was able to tell her that I always wanted to say something but didn't know what. Since she's very private, I assumed she didn't want to linger on the topic so I wrapped it up by saying, "I know I'm not going to have kids. You don't know yet. You might. You might not. But I just want you to know that I am happy again. It's a miracle and it is possible. I just want you to know that it's possible to be happy. And I'm always just a text away."

I'm pretty sure my words were well received and not intrusive. I just had to say something.

*****

So... 

How about that. 

From hearing my niece last year say she wants to be like me to sharing with my cousin this year that happiness is possible... It's so important that we see, hear, and support each other.

My Baby's Blanket

I've heard of a lot of people decluttering right now. The feeling must be in the air. 

I found something important while I was decluttering recently. I found my baby's blanket.

There are so many difficult things about enduring infertility, and one of those things is the absence of acknowledgment. The invisibility. The suffering in silence. The severe lack of support.

I really don't understand why people don't see involuntary childlessness as a profound loss.

And that's why my baby's blanket is so sacred to me.

One of my friend's moms knew I was trying to get pregnant, so she started knitting a baby blanket for me. She asked my friend what my favorite colors were and went and bought the yarn. She got started on it early, worked on it for a while, and finished it well before I ever... 

Well, as we all know, I never got pregnant. 

So then she didn't know what to do. (Join the club. Neither did I.) She gave it to me as a prayer blanket with full disclosure that it began as a baby blanket.

It was the most significant, heartfelt gift I received.
It was the only gift I received.

It is the only present I have that honors my hoped-for child, and it is extremely important to me.

💜💜💜

My Stuff: A Saga Update

I spent last Friday night and all of Saturday moving stuff out of the closet in my bedroom. It wasn't a functional closet. It was a storage space. But I ordered a closet organizer that should be here by the end of the month, so I moved everything out. I'm excited about eventually hanging up and organizing my clothes. I haven't had a functional closet in five years. 

It's the little things that make life easier overall. It's the little things that are the big things.

Dealing with my stuff has been quite a process for me. I've written about it a lot.

Facing My Stuff in May 2017

Facing My Stuff, Part II in November 2017

Facing My Stuff, Part III in May 2018

Skip ahead four years...

The Great Purge Has Begun in July 2022

When Cleaning Is Hard in July 2022

Unpacking Is Emotional in September 2022

Unpacking My Life in November 2022

And then most recently...

Blue Moon in September 2023

Yeah... It's really been a thing for me.

But this past weekend, as I stood in the small side room attached to my bedroom, I stopped and appreciated the moment. I had gone from a medium-sized two-story, four-bedroom house that I bought for my children and was fully decorating and filling with stuff to a small single-story, two-bedroom house that only has one little side/sunroom serving as storage (temporarily). 

Progress!

Ok, yes, I recently rented a storage space. But it's only a closet, not a huge unit. It's holding my tubs of keepsakes, holiday decorations, and seasonal gear. I don't plan on having it forever. But it freed up some space so I could play Tetris with the rest of the stuff in my house.

And after this past weekend, I am one step closer to being decluttered and organized.

I've leveled up, hahaha.

(I'm still giving myself until January 2025 to get completely decluttered. Realistic goals are more important to me so I don't feel bad when I fail to meet the unrealistic goals.)

But, daaang, what an emotional process dealing with my stuff has been!

I've read a lot of what I call "junk food articles" about decluttering and organizing. You know, those short articles that often have lists... They're easy to skim and get new ideas. And today I came across this gem: Decluttering and Self-Acceptance and How They Benefit Each Other.

Enjoy! And go easy on yourself. It's all a process.

Tetris! Several weeks ago I cleaned out my mud room. It's no longer a maze of boxes and random things where you're forced to stay on a narrow path. It's now an open space with a bench where I can sit and put on my shoes. Again, it's the little things... that are the big things! 💜