Feeling Criticized and I'm Just Living My Life

Where I am today with living CNBC after infertility:

I am struggling with the fact that my life is structured so fundamentally differently than everyone else I know, that I feel judged for my choices, and that I have no words to describe how impacted my life is by infertility. Not only that, but I am SICK of feeling like I have to explain myself.

Thank you, Loribeth, for sharing this article by Yael Wolfe called Single & Childless Women Are Tired of Justifying Their Existence. Yes!!!

I admit it. I let my mom get in my head again recently. Or, maybe she never left. 

My mom loves me. I really believe she does. But I also believe what she told me on my 18th birthday which was, "I will always love you but I do not like you." That hurt. Almost 25 years later, it still hurts. Because it still feels true.

If I'm not doing what she wants or thinking what she thinks, then I am wrong. It is embarrassing and annoying that I still feel affected by her words. But yet, our last conversation from a couple of weeks ago is still lingering in my mind. She was questioning my relationship and making judgments, and it really pissed me off because she does not try to understand my life, my losses, or what I need. 

I was also trying to picture my grandmother--my mom's mother--criticizing my mom's life choices when she was 42 and married with a 12 year old, a 20 year old, and a 24 year old. I doubt that ever happened.

One thing that bothers me is that I'm always thinking about how I would mother myself. I wouldn't criticize a 42-year-old daughter for moving or getting divorced or quitting extremely bad jobs. I wouldn't say things similar to "that's always at the top of your list" if she talked about how infertility continues to affect her life. I would encourage her, comfort her, and praise her. So I try to give myself what my mother doesn't. But I will be honest, I long to hear those sentiments from my mom. But she can't say any of them, not even if I give her a script.

It sucks. I've done so much, overcome so much, and I am still criticized. What I do is never the right thing. However I live, it is not good enough for her. I know it's not me. I know it's her.
But it still hurts.

And it's not just my mom. My sisters don't get it either. I always feel criticized. My niece and nephew, both of whom are in their late 20s, are treated with more respect and allowed for more autonomy than me. It's always been this way. It is freaking WEIRD.

But back to Yael's article... I deeply appreciate when I read something and I feel understood. It's even better when it helps me understand my own experience more. Like these quotes:

• "I’d really prefer to focus my energy on dealing with my own stuff. It’s a lot. I really don’t need to be dealing with societal expectations, invasive questions, insults, criticisms, and irrelevant opinions."
  
  
• "I never asked for this--to be the poster child for women's "alternative lifestyles." To have to push back against pronatalism and sexism even within my own family."
  
  
• "It takes a lot out of you to have to constantly justify your life circumstances to others."

I think, as a woman who wanted children and planned her entire life around raising them, infertility and being childless not by choice continues to affect my life in ways that even I don't yet understand. So when I am criticized for even the smallest thing, I feel attacked for something that was entirely out of my control.

I'm just playing the hand I was dealt.

And getting criticized for it.

*****

My parting question is this: How did you stop explaining yourself? 

I think that's what I need to do. I kept thinking that if I just explained my reasoning, then others would understand (and support) my choices. But, this is not proving to be true. I just need to stop.