It's very similar to, you know, infertility.
There's nothing I can do about being infertile.
I tried. God knows I tried. Dietary changes, supplements, exercise, no exercise, meditation, medication, trying, not trying, being patient, not being patient, fertility treatments... Nothing worked. I'm infertile. I never got pregnant.
I've had to learn to live with it.
Infertility. The pandemic. Both so devastating. Both completely life altering.
Both SUCK.
And I'm learning how to live my life in this post-pandemic, life-without-children-after-infertility world. I'm lonely. I don't have any close friends in my current, face-to-face life. Of course, I chose to move 1500 miles away from everyone I knew. But it's not like I saw my friends often anyway. They were all busy with their kids. Add in work schedules and traffic patterns and hanging out was just no longer logistically possible. It wasn't personal.
I went to a quilt meeting last night. I didn't feel like going, but I made myself. I'm glad I did. I won't make friends if I don't invest any time and energy in others. I've been going monthly for over a year now and it feels good to see familiar faces. It's energizing to see what projects others are working on. It's just nice to smile at people and say Hello. I'm younger than everyone by twenty years, but they are all very welcoming and inclusive. If you love quilting, you belong. I appreciate that so very deeply.
I'm stressed. Who isn't? I want to be scheduled more at work, but I also know I'm scheduled just the right amount for me right now. I'm in school and also fighting some depression, so, really, I just try to be thankful for so much every day. The bills don't stop coming though, and that stresses me out. Like I said, who isn't stressed right now?
I've been feeling like my relationship has been going through a growth phase for several months. I'm very happy with him. I'm also unhappy. It's complicated. And I'm having a hard time making sense of what I should do or not do during this weird time period. Break up? I don't want to. Move on? Maybe I need to. Leave him in a time of need? I definitely don't want to do that. But I also don't want to drown myself. It's hard to know what to do. It's hard to know what is best for him and best for me.
Learning to live with it. Infertility. Covid. Uncertainty. Stress.
That's life, isn't it?
Exactly. This is life.
ReplyDeleteI know. Many times it is hard to know what to do. Do what is best for you.
sending much love from Europe.
Klara
PS: Covid really sucks. I got it in September and I was very ill for 14 days. Luckily I am back to health. Big bonus: I feel safe for another two months and then at the end of December I will get the 4th vaccine.
Thank you so much, Klara. <3 I am taking things one day at a time, one step at a time. I'm being very thoughtful and communicating all of my thoughts and feelings. I am trying!! We will see.
DeleteI am so glad you are feeling better after being sick! <3
I'm really sorry you're stressed. It sucks - all of it. Sending hugs. And I'm really glad you have a place to go where people just focus on your shared love of quilting. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteRelationships too are hard. Especially on top of all the other stresses. I just hope you are kind to yourself, and (it sounds like you already are) your partner, and you can figure out what works for you and what doesn't, and then the complicated becomes clearer. But it's never as easy as it sounds, is it? Sending love on top of the hugs.
Thank you, Mali, so much. I appreciate your advice to be kind to myself and my partner. I agree. It's just a tough situation. But, nothing stays the same so we will see how this evolves... But yes, it still sucks though.
DeleteUncertainty sucks, but yes, that's life and it's unavoidable -- and we CNBCers certainly know it very well! I'm sorry you've been going through some stress lately and I hope it's getting better.
ReplyDeleteOne of my friends who quilts belonged to two quilting guilds when she lived near me, and LOVED it... after they moved, she still used to make the trip (60-90 minutes, one way) to attend the monthly meetings for one of them! I haven't heard from her in a while so I'm not sure she's still doing that, but it certainly speaks to the power of having a good group around you!
Going through what we've all been through and learning to live CNBC is an intensive course on uncertainty, so we do have experience and resilience on our side.
DeleteQuilting groups are the best! I'm sure any interest group is awesome. Whenever you get people together that are passionate about the same thing, it can be really fun.
I'm sorry (belatedly) for all the stress. It's a lot, feeling like you're in a web of uncertainty and maybe, just maybe, life has just changed and will never look the same as we thought it would. COVID and infertility have a lot in common. I'm glad you went to the quilt meeting and are doing things that nourish you, especially while in this swamp of suck lately. Sending you love, and hoping things get less sucky.
ReplyDeleteWe just have to make ourselves do stuff sometimes. I'm glad I went to the meeting. It's an important investment in myself, my craft, and my future friendships lol.
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