Another day, another adventure in life after infertility. (Ok, the use of the word "adventure" is a stretch. I didn't go anywhere, nor did anything exciting happen.)
I continue to unpack. One box at a time. If I think about it all at once, I get overwhelmed. I'm gonna need some more furniture or shelves or organizers or something, but it will all get figured out and purchased over time. For now, I am unpacking every box and sorting everything into keep, sell, give away, or throw away. My goal is "Box Free in 2023".
Today I encountered my trophies. Now why in the world did I keep all of these, I wondered to myself. Oh yeah... I went to throw them away once and decided to keep them to show my kids. Then, when I packed up the house 6.5 years ago that I bought for my children, I couldn't deal with old trophies. So into storage they went.
It felt weird to keep them. It felt weird to throw them away.
I almost decided to give up and deal with it another day. Then I made myself just deal with it in the moment. This is how I will get unpacked. One box at a time.
So... I unpacked my old trophies, lined them up, and looked at them. They brought back a lot of happy memories. Baseball, gymnastics, speech and drama competitions. I'm so thankful my parents and sisters gave me a good childhood, always driving me around and cheering me on.
Then I made my decision. There was no reason to keep a bunch of old trophies. I admit, I kept a couple that were particularly special. But then... Well, uh, I threw most of them away.
Like I said, it felt weird to keep them. It felt weird to throw them away.
I didn't plan on keeping my old trophies forever. I was going to show my kids one day and then throw them away after that I guess. I didn't expect my children to care a whole lot either, but I like to think they'd entertain me for half an hour while I reminisced and shared some memories.
But... Yeah... That didn't happen.
And now I'm going through everything I've kept in my life.
I'm still keeping some keepsakes. I kept A LOT growing up lol, but I'm culling what I've kept and only keeping a small fraction of it all. I'm keeping some stuff because I enjoy the memories.
But old trophies? They're awkward-shaped and somewhat fragile, and they take up a lot of room. They're not sentimental in the same way to me as birthday cards from my grandmothers.
So things like old trophies get a last look from me and get thrown in the trash.
I hate that infertility took so much from me. I don't have a next generation to share anything with.
I'm not sad about throwing away some old trophies. I'm sad that they remind me of what I never had: children to share my memories and interests with, children to create memories and explore their interests with.
In other news, the world lost a bright light five years ago today.
Rest in Rock, Tom Petty
I don't care what nobody sayAmerican dream, political schemeBut I'm half-lit, I can't dance for shitBut I see what I want, I go after itAnd my girl's alright, treats me niceSayin' nothin' but a woman puts out that light'Til I get it rightTell me everything gonna be OK'Til I get it rightWell, my mama so sadDaddy's just madMy success is anybody's guessBut like a fool, I'm bettin' on happiness'Til I get it right