I smiled today. I got out of bed, took a shower, and ate a bowl of grits. Lately, getting out of bed hasn't been so easy. I've been putting off showers until the afternoon. And, my stomach is in knots so eating has been difficult.
But today I got up. I went to the post office, the pharmacy, and the gas station. As I put air in my tires, I smiled. There was a time twenty years ago when I was very depressed after a bicycle accident caused traumatic injury. It was a long recovery period and, like I said, I got depressed. I remember when leaving my apartment just to put gas in my car was a real accomplishment. I would come home and nap because the errand took everything I had.
But back to now. My doctor suggested weaning off of my antidepressant this summer. I was fine with that. Things were stable and it was worth a shot. Well, eight weeks without medication combined with finishing my first semester of school, getting and learning two jobs, moving out of storage, hosting my family, and dealing with a major home repair was a little too much for me.
My anxiety shot up and never came down. My appetite disappeared and I was crying every day.
I. Could. Not. Deal.
So I started taking my medication again and called my doctor for a refill, which she called in. Hence, my errand to the pharmacy today.
It doesn't bother me to take a pill every day. It didn't bother me to try not taking a pill every day. (Well, until it did. Ha! I really wasn't managing well...)
I've been taking my medicine for a week now and, although I don't feel great, I no longer feel AWFUL. I am no longer on my own nerves. I am no longer crying over the slightest little things.
I accept my brain. I know this is how it works. I've had a lifetime of experience being me.
I just write this to be transparent and share.
It's okay if you're falling apart. It's okay if you feel awful. It's okay if you are freaking losing it.
Remind yourself it's temporary.
Ask yourself what you need.
Do what you can and forget the rest.
You didn't cause the problems of this world, and it's not your responsibility to fix them.
But you do deserve to feel okay. You deserve to enjoy the little things.
When you're having a rough day/week/month/period of years, hold on for better times.
I will abide with you.
😎💜
I just tried Zoloft but it’s not sitting well with me. What med did the trick for you?
ReplyDeleteZoloft is what works for me. I've got a family member that Zoloft works for and another family member that Prozac works for. It's so annoying that we have to try different medicines to see what works with our bodies, but it's worth it when you find the thing that works. I don't feel any personality changes on Zoloft. I just feel less "heavy" and less anxious. I feel like my real self, not my hyped up anxious self. I hope you find something that works. Also, feel free to roll your eyes, but yoga helps me a lot too. But finding the right yoga teacher can also be like finding the right medicine! Again, it's worth it when you find what works. Wishing you the best <3
DeleteI also want to add that I don't think medication is a blanket cure-all. As I'm sure you know, there are so many factors involved. Nutrition and sleep are just as, if not more, important. But I do like to contribute to destigmatizing medication if it helps.
DeleteI'm glad things are improving. Medication that helps is a remarkable thing. We all have issues, whether they are our brains or our arms or our hearts or whatever. I'm glad you're looking after yourself. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI agree Mali. We've all got something. It's important to take care of ourselves. Thank you.
DeleteAbiding with you! Zoloft is my brain-balancer too. And I have tried to say "I don't need you!" enough times with enough bad consequences that I am resolute....I need balancing of my brain chemistry. It's part of who I am. It's okay. I'm glad you are feeling better and getting outside and not feeling so awful. It's terrible when your brain and your body conspire against you. I agree that medication isn't everything, for me exercise and sleep are huge. Lately I want to take many naps, but if I force myself to go for a walk instead I feel loads better, and sleep better too. The exercise/anxiety connection is real! Thinking of you and sending lots of love!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jess!
DeleteHurray for modern medicine! :) I am glad you have found meds helpful, and I hope you're feeling even better now.
ReplyDeleteI have alluded to, but not written in detail on my blog about, my dh's longtime struggles with anxiety & depression (but I'll tell you a bit here!)... I begged him for YEARS to talk to the doctor (if not a counsellor of some kind), and maybe give meds a try. He finally did, about six years ago, just before we sold the house & moved into our condo, in fact... between the two life changes, he is a whole different person, and our marriage is SO much better. After about a year, he actually decided (without consulting the doctor, OR telling me) he was doing good and wanted to see what would happen if he stopped taking them. You can guess what happened. It didn't take long before I noticed the change in him, and he finally confessed to me what he'd done, and started taking them again. He realizes now that this is probably going to be a lifetime thing, and he's okay with that... thank goodness! He says he's just sorry it took him so long to come round, and he's been trying to convince BIL to give meds a try too. ;)
Oh my gosh, I feel SO much better. My appetite is back and my stomach stopped hurting. I feel like my regular self. I still don't know if it was all of the situational stress or if it was related to medication, but I also don't particularly care. I'm just glad I feel better. I'm glad your husband feels better too!
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