About a month ago, I wrote about how working with kids has changed for me and how it has really confused me because I've always enjoyed it and I'm good at it. But as I was training to cover pediatrics for my co-worker's maternity leave, I quickly realized working with kids felt much different than it ever has. Part of that is infertility, part of it is the pandemic, and part of it is age.
But I figured out the biggest piece of the puzzle while talking to a friend last week.
I never wanted a career in pediatrics! I only became a teacher to kill time until I became a mom. Since knowing I'm not going to be raising children, I've still worked in several different settings for children. It's what I know, and it was easy for me to get hired each time.
But I don't want to do it anymore. I reeeally don't want to do it.
It's why I went back to school, to learn something other than pediatrics. It's why I got a job in a nursing home and a hospital, where I work mostly with older adults.
And now here I am, completely dreading my pediatrics coverage that begins tomorrow.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to work, and I definitely need the money. But dang, I haven't experienced dread like this since, well, right before I quit my last pediatrics job...
Another friend cautioned me that I'm probably still feeling the damaging effects from my last experience in pediatrics with an unstable, untrustworthy co-worker. I'm hoping I'll get in the groove of things once I get started. I have equipment at this job. I have resources. And the parents care enough to bring their kids in for services. I'm digging deep to try and find a decent attitude about the whole thing because it's what I committed to. It's what I'm going to do.
But yeah, working with kids was never going to be my lifelong career. I was going to be a mom.
Thank you so much for writing this! It made me make some serious realizations of my own! I hope this commitment has bright spots for you.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. I admit, it wasn't easy to hit publish on this one. So thank you! I'm happy to hear this sparked some good thoughts for you. Today was my first day and there were already some bright spots. :)
DeleteIt's good to know what you want, and what you don't. I'm glad this stint in pediatrics is temporary, and you can go back to what you love now.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jess. <3 I love that: what I "love now." That is really helpful. Who knew I loved working with older adults? I didn't.
DeleteI will enjoy a lot of moments over the next three months because, you know, kids are hilarious. Maybe I will appreciate it more knowing that it is temporary. Thank you.
I find it very frustrating that we're supposed to want to work with or volunteer with kids just because we wanted to be parents. I've had a post half-drafted on this - maybe it's time to finish it! Yes, I hope you can enjoy the time with the kids, knowing that it's temporary, and you're not going to have to do it forever - or even, ever again if you don't want to.
ReplyDeleteYes, that's a good point and it is very frustrating. Working or volunteering with kids is nothing like parenting. It does not replace what I've lost in any way or by any means. That's just another assumption from fertile people.
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