It was quite a week! Let's see if I can jot it all down.
My week started out with a freak computer glitch that resulted in the loss of all of my data analysis for my research project so far. Of course, I cried. I emailed my reviewers. I reached out to the data analysis software program for tech support. I experienced a lot of help and understanding from everyone. My data analysis was not recoverable. After I had a good cry and an hour nap I woke up and thought, "Well, I lost my data analysis, but it's nothing like losing my children. I will do the work again." And so I did. Everyday after work this week I came home and busted my ass to catch up. And I did! I'm back on track. (And I also know how to back up my data now, which I do after each work session.)
I began my coverage for pediatrics. It didn't fulfill me, but it wasn't horrible. My bosses have already received a couple of emails from parents and caregivers singing my praises. That was a surprise. It's only been one week! I figure this is an opportunity to really solidify the fact that my career preferences have changed. And that's okay. I'll just approach it like it's a reunion tour for my one-woman band, lol. I'll do my best and it will end.
I had my first annual review with my employer, and it was the best review I've ever had. I feel like I am only beginning to realize how abusive the majority of my jobs have been... But it is really nice to be valued where I am now. And the leadership team absolutely knows I am not interested in pediatrics long-term. They are working to find a different place for me in the organization, but they are grateful for my willingness to cover for three months.
Um... So, this was unexpected. But a second co-worker is out for maternity leave, so there's another co-worker in the pediatrics department covering for her like I am doing for the first co-worker. Guess. What. She can't have kids! It came up during the first or second day I was there. She's in her early 40s too, but she learned she couldn't have kids in her early 30s. So you've got two infertile women covering pediatrics for two women out on maternity leave. So... Where's our paid temporary leave of absence from work??
Then I had TWO patients this week in the hospital (yea, pediatrics AND the hospital, PLUS school work--it was a busy week!) that were childless women. TWO! The first one was a 90-year-old woman who is widowed and lives alone. I was trying to figure out who she has around for help and asked if she had kids. (Sorry about that question everyone, but I have to ask it.) She said she didn't have any kids, and I said I didn't either. She immediately whipped her head up and made eye contact with me. I continued, "I don't have any kids and I can't have kids, so I won't be having any." We smiled and held each other's gaze in a knowing, understanding, we-both-felt-seen-and-understood kind of way.
Then the next day a similar thing happened with a second patient. She was in her early 70s and I shared the same information about me with her once I learned that she did not have kids. She shared with me that she had one tubal pregnancy, and nothing else ever worked out. She was visibly sad about being childless and I validated her pain, saying it is a lifelong loss. It gave me even more motivation to work on my research study. We need to raise awareness about involuntary childlessness, and we need to create support services for people who are enduring this phenomenon.
So that was my wild childless week! I talked about being childless not-by-choice with a co-worker and two patients, all of whom who are also CNBC. I covered pediatrics. I got support from my bosses in the workplace. And I lost about 30-hours of work but it didn't even compare to losing my children, so I just picked myself up from my minor setback and kept on working.
Wow.
Exactly! Wow. What a week! I am glad you are handling everything, step by step.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love the talking with two elderly patients. I love how you all felt unsterstood and seen.
Lifelong loss. I am not even 50 and I assumed it is so and your post confirmed it.
I am glad we have each other <3
sending much love from sLOVEnia,
Klara
We will always have each other. <3
DeleteWow indeed. Wow, wow, wow. I'm sorry about losing all your data analysis - that really sucks. I can imagine the sinking feeling! I'm glad you've been able to redo it, but sorry you had to. (Even though it doesn't compare to losing your children, you are still allowed to be fed up!)
ReplyDeleteAnd what an amazing week - great reviews from employers, clients' parents, and then real validation with others who are also CNBC. This is a success story post if ever there was one. Woo hoo!
It ended up being okay! I was curious how coding the data would go the second time around and 1) it went a little faster and 2) I ended up with similar code frequencies so I felt more confident in my analysis. :)
DeleteOh Phoenix – I am so sorry you lost your data! And I am sorry you had to do the analysis again but I am glad you managed to do it.
ReplyDeleteNow, about the rest of the week... how cool is it that people are singing your praises, even if it's not in the job you will want in the future? Also, I already liked the story with your first elderly patient, but the second one made me tear up (in a good way ;-)). Thank you for making that woman feel understood and validated!
The lost data analysis was just a bump in the road. I'm glad it happened then and not later. I thought I was backing up my data, but I learned I wasn't! I am now. And I'm back on track.
DeleteI've worked with several older women without children now. I always want to hang out and visit with them more, just learn about their lives, experiences, and perspective. If someone would just hire me to hang out, that would be awesome haha. :)
Oh Phoenix! -- I'm so sorry about the lost data! I know I certainly learned my lesson about backups when my next-to-new laptop suddenly died on me (during the pandemic, when everything was closed!). I don't think I'd backed up anything on it since I bought it. I'm sooooo lucky my sister's partner works with computers for a living. He helped me buy a new laptop, get set up on it remotely, and then the next time I was home for a visit, I brought my old laptop and he was able to retrieve ALL my old data for me, minus about six photos, I think! He also ordered a backup drive for me and wrote out specific instructions on how to use it, and I've now got a reminder set on my phone calendar to do it at least monthly!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad the rest of the week went better for you!
Wow, it was just a month ago that I lost all of my data analysis... And now I've already presented my project! Time is funny. Sometimes it seems to stand still. Sometimes it flies by.
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