They're not as easy as conversations with kids.
Kids don't want to solve my problems with a baby like adults seem to want to do.
I engaged in a long conversation at work last week. It was my choice. I chose to do it. But I was still wiped out afterward. It started when I said I'd be out for graduation in a couple of weeks. My co-worker asked about my research and I told her the title of my project.
It set off a lot of questions from her. Which was good I guess. Because she didn't know much about infertility, fertility treatments, and living childless not-by-choice. And like I said, I chose to have the conversation.
But.
I need to remember how depleted and frustrated I felt.
Maybe I don't want to have those conversations anymore.
Did you try IVF?
Was it really like that?
All those shots?
How many?
How long?
How much?
Like, it's really expensive right?
Should I freeze my eggs?
Well, there's always adoption. Have you thought about adoption?
What about China?
Can't you get a baby from China?
There's lots of 12 year olds. Why don't you adopt a 12 year old?
What if I got pregnant? I'll just give my baby to you.
I've gotta give my co-worker credit. She filled the BINGO card faster than most. And I promise you that she's a lovely person. Like I said, I chose to have this conversation. (But I honestly wasn't expecting every stereotypical question and comment in the book!)
Anyway.
Now she knows.
Two IVFs. Adoption didn't work either. Was married. Now divorced. ("Well, isn't it good that you didn't have children, then?" Whyyy does everyone think it's okay to say this to me??) No kids. 43. Here I am.
Gah. It was exhausting.
But she learned a lot. And I guess I did too.
Like, I don't want to do that again for a long, long time!
And then adult conversation #2?
Well, it was satisfying because at least I thought of what to say in the moment, instead of after. The context of the conversation doesn't even matter. You'll see. Here goes.
Her: Well, as a parent, I was so worried!
Me: I know! I'm NOT a parent, and I was also worried!!
Again, another lovely person. Just everyone is so entrenched in the pronatalist culture.
I roll my eyes so much.
Good grief. The Bingo card approach to conversing about children. I can imagine how depleted you were. Did you tell her how hard so many of her questions are to hear? I hope she learned that as well as all the other information you imparted.
ReplyDeleteArgh. "Isn't it good that you didn't have children then" is a terrible terrible comment to make! I can't believe she said that.
Good for you for your response in conversation #2! Brava!
PS. I had to laugh at "I roll my eyes so much." I'm a bit of an eye roller too! I don't always try and hide it. It says a lot more than words, sometimes.
Good point! If I talk to her or anyone else ever again about all of that stuff, I will be sure to share how difficult all of those questions are. But I may not do that ever again... Now I know that people don't realize how awful they're being in the moment, questioning every step of the way how I handled my own trauma.
DeleteThat was actually the second time in the last month that I was told it was good I didn't have kids since I ended up getting divorced. It pisses me off. We divorced BECAUSE we didn't have children. We wanted different lives once we realized we wouldn't be having children. It was heartbreaking.
At least I thought of what to say in the moment during conversation #2.
What a rockstar you are! Those are all the BINGO questions and delivered in such a casual way, makes it so much more difficult. You rode that wave and came out standing. I agree with Mali advice, keep that idea in your back pocket, should you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. As for the second conversation, I am starting to really believe that people don't think about others feelings anymore.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Honestly, I feel a little dumb for having that conversation in the first place. Of course it was going to hurt and deplete me. I guess I didn't realize (until after the conversation) what it is that everyone is doing: questioning my decisions about extremely personal things. Like, these conversations were hard enough to have with my husband. Why would I have them with anyone else now that I think about it...
DeleteHa, BINGO card... It would be funny if it wasn't so annoying. It is definitely exhausting to answer ALL the questions, so good on you, but so much energy expended. And I love your statement "I'm not a parent, and I was worried, too!" Love the AND and not BUT. I'll have to practice that one!
ReplyDeleteOMG and that comment about it being better to not have had children since you divorced, UGH. What is WRONG with people?
ReplyDeletePeople are thoughtless. That's all I can come up with.
Delete